Im not sure what i last told you...but a lot has happened!

Well, we went to see Sherlock Holmes, and it was okay except Josh poked me the entire time and it kinda turned me off to him. Well, the next day, I decided that me and him needed to talk. So, we met up at Starbucks and i told him a lot of stuff. And it was really serious, and a really good talk. I explained a lot to him. But anyways, then he took me for a ride in his stang:) its was freakin awesomeee! Then, that was yesterday, then THEN THEN THEN. After TC and i left the movie, he went home and Josh came to my house and met my mom and then we chilled in the livingroom until like 10:30. Thennnn, todayyy, we went to starbucks after i got off work:)

So much has gone through my mind. Tc really isnt right for me...and i know i dont want to spend the rest of my life with him. I've tried my hardest to look at our relationship from an outside view. And now im admitting the wrong things instead of overlooking them. TC is sooo lazy. He sleep usually until 1 or 2:00 in the afternoon..he doesnt work. He's not trying very hard to FIND work. He doesn't pay for hardly ANY of the things we do. Even i payed for the movie Saturday and he never payed me back. He's 18 and he doesnt know what he wants with his life. And his future is here and now. He'd prefer to play around instead. I'm 17, and its kinda young, but my future is only a couple of years away. My "life" begins in a couple of years...I don't want him there. He's not going to change. I've wished he would change for the last year...and i know things don't change. Kelly works 2 jobs because her husband is a lazyass bum. That will be me if i don't get outta this! Sigh, it's so hard to admit these things. I love TC with my whole heart. He means so much to me, he's such a big part of my life. He's almost everything about it. I'm so stuck on him, so dependent upon him, i need him. That's why i can't let go of him. Yes, the bad outweighs the good, but i just love him. And love is blind. I'm blind. :( I want to let go of him. I wish i could, but i cant. I dont know how. More than half of me doesn't want to be with anyone else because i'm afraid of change. I like what's familiar to me. TC is my "home". Josh isnt. I mean, when i'm with josh, i want to do things with him i know arent right. And i dont mean in a bad way. I'ma touchy person. I like to kiss and hug and cuddle. For some reason, during our talk the other day i feel like i didnt conclude to anything. I wanted to tell him in a way that we couldnt be what we wanted to be..and i told him a lot of personal things, i mean, he understood and he needed to know. But when i was with him, it didn't seem right to say that, and i dont think my heart wanted it. For some other reason, what if this is a sign? I mean, Josh could be my way out. If i pass him up, what if i never get another chance to be free? But i'm sooo afraid. I'm so afraid if i let josh into my life and take tc out that josh won't be good enough or suffice like tc is. I'm afraid he wont fill the void tc fills for me. Then i'll feel lonely and want him back. If we stop dating, i will miss everything and probably be heartbroken. Everything that is my life will be completely gone. I dont think anyone could ever fill it! I mean, how to people get divorces. How do you live with someone so long and love them and completely remarry. It doesnt seem to me that was ever true love. But what's my excuse? I know i'm not the exception. But maybe i am. I'm only 17. I've been told numerous times not to settle for tc. And josh is so much better for me. I know he is! I wish something would happen to show me the truth. I mean, not so tc and i can break up just so me and josh can date. But so i can get on my feet again. Im like on my hands and knees. I depend on tc for everything! This whole situation makes me mad, sad, everything.

Josh has payed for everything we've done together. EVERYTHING. He refuses to let me pay!! It's so sweet:) Everythng about him is sweet. He's not a player, not perverted, he's NEVER drank OR done drugs which is all plus plus in my book. He's very respecful and he doesn't date every girl or try to get their number. He has two jobs and pays for what he wants because he has the money. It's all so great.

I dunno what to do. All this is making me upset and i just wannt run to tc and hide in his arms and stay there until it all blows over. I wish i could get rid of one of them. But i dont want to:(

Sigh, i dont wanna write anymore...that's all for now anyway.

School starts tomorrow. Got work at 5. Until 10. Guess i better start sleepin.

Gooooodniiiight :(