I am so fucking selfish. I am ruining our relationship. It's like, we basically spend every fucking day together and I've gotten so used to it and now he wants to go do stuff ya know, and I feel like we don't want the same thing. He thinks were stuck up each other's ass. I like us being together all the time. We fight like every other day. Over small stupid shit. I want it to work out so bad because I love him, but it's all going down the drown because of my selfishness. We had a big fight last night I literally cried myself to sleep. Today, we've texted but it just seems weird. I doubt I'll see him tonight. I haven't mentioned it and he hasn't either so I'm assuming he's not coming over. I'm trying not to care as much. I'm just gonna back off and let him take the lead. I feel like I'm putting so much into it and not getting back as much as i'm putting in. So it's his turn now. I'm giving up on it. If i'm disappointed I guess that's my bad judgement. Hopefully it won't be that way.

Besides Josh school consumes my life. Especially because its the end. I started my summer college session. I'm taking Algebra 2 and Spanish. Four days of school left.

I'm ready to move out. Anywhere. I don't care, I'm just ready to leave this house and do my own thing. I'm sick of my moms rules and her talking shit. She's gonna be so upset when I do everything how i want it. She's gonna think she's wasted 18 years of her life trying to make me somebody i'm not. I just can't wait to make my own rules disincluding her. I just can't wait to be a little over 18. Or next summer. God, i'm itching for it.

I'm really just pissed off, moody and disappointed right now. I'm ready for something new. New people, new things, new environments and personalities. I'm just ready to do something new. I'm so sick of my life right now. I feel all these different things and I can't even narrow it down to one thing. I'm so mixed emotional lately. I don't know what I want or what I want to do..

I hate the person I am with josh. He treats me so good and i bitch at the little stuff all the time and you dont know how bad it bugs me that i know this and why the hell cant i fix it. What the hell is wrong with me. God, I need to get away or something. Go refresh myself somewhere. Stop revolving my life around him and make it more about me instead. Stop holding so many expectations to him cause its like i'm only getting let down and disappointed. He's a good boyfriend but like i said the things we want right now are just a little different. So ima give him his space and hope for the best.

Gah, fuck all this shit man. Fuck it all. I'm so ready to give up. I'm ready to throw it all away. I'm ready to just end it because of myself. I'm the screw up here. I'm so angry.