Okay, so last night while I layed in bed, I gave up on it all. I gave up on trying to find the right guy. Since things with Cliff have been over, I've talked to so many different guys, not in a slutty way, but I've opened the door to these guys, and none of them have intrigued me at all. Last night, I made the decision to stop opening that door. I realized why all the guys I've been talking to have been wrong because I've not been letting God lead me, I've been looking on my own. So, last night I realized that, and made the decision to stop letting guys come into my life like that. I decided to tell Brandon, I was sorry but I just didn't wanna get involved with him. Then today came. Brandon and Wesley called but I didn't answer it. I kind of got nervous so I just didn't. Then, tonight my mom and I went out to eat and Home Depot and then to Wal-Mart. Well, at Wal-Mart, I was in these aisles getting stuff and these two guys walked by and were like "Heyy", so I was like smiling and saying hey back, and I turned around after I past the guy that said hey to me and he was looking at me. Then, I saw them again and he was like "Come here!" So, I kind of walked over them and we talked for a bit and I gave him my number. DUMB MOVE. After I gave it to him, I knew it had been a waste of my time and just another door I was going to shut. I didn't even have to think twice. I knew I wasn't going to want to talk to him like he wanted to talk to me. Got home and Brandon called me and asked me all these questions and I told him not to get his hopes up because I don't really want anyone right now maybe and stuff like that. And Jacob called, the guy from Wal-Mart. And he seems really nice and stuff. He's sweet and he's going to be a junior at Glenn. I don't know why I do this. I always get involved with the wrong kind of guys. Brandon isn't a virgin. Jacob lives in a boys home. Kris isn't a virgin and has a kid. Jake is into the screamo scene, and that's not me. Chavez had a temper problem. Josh was wayyy to flirty. Matt was too young and just wanted a girl friend. Brandon keeps texting me telling me how beautiful I am and how we need to get together some time. I hate this. I don't want this at all. They aren't what I want. Why can't I find the right guy? Why can't the right guy just fall in front of me? I feel like I'm not giving any of them a chance at all, but should I? I mean, I know right away if I think someone is worth my time, and none of them have been. Am I missing something? Last night I was thinking how much I wish I could go back to the scene where I was sitting at Believer's, 13 years old. Listening to the preacher, and singing with the choir. I remember that so well. I wish I could shake that innocent little girl and beg her not to wonder what the world is like. Beg her to stay pure and innocent. Beg her to be proud of her innocence, and that she's not stupid like they imply she is. I'm so overwhelmed with this at the moment. I'm losing Cliff now, and all these guys in my life and none of them can replace him. I wish they would all go away. I like the game for a while, but I know none of them are really worth my time and now I have to make it clear I don't want anything more than a friendship, and guys either want it all or nothing at all. I don't want them to be mad, but I just wanna be friends. Maybe tomorrow will be better. Today was good, and exciting. But I need to figure myself out. I need to make a decision and stick with it. No matter what. Eckkk. Goodnight you guys...