So...the good first. Sarah and I hung out last night and today. Like, she spent the night. And today was a blast. She went to the gym with me too. Oh! My friend Anna had told me there was this old house back in this deserted wooded area, so I was like let's find it! So, we went into these woods and crap and there was a small trail we were following and we got lost and stuff and it was funny, but it was hot and we were sweaty and could not find this house. So, after like an hour trying different trails we went home and showered up and stuff for church. It was fun. Then church came. Which was fun and stuff, but... Well... Taylor, Zach, and Scott were playing guitars and stuff and they told me to come over there to sing and play piano. Then Cliff got there and he came over there with his guitar and Zach was like "DUDE, play Among The Crowd". So, I mean, I was excited to sing our songs, but for me, it brought back every memory we made. With the band, between me and Cliff, everything. It just hit me. Like, when we used to have our band, whenever he played guitar, he'd stare me right in the eyes and the look he gave me was like oiuerhf haha. And when I started singing, I looked at him and he looked at me, and we kept looking away and like stuttering with our eyes. And it alllll hit me then. I wanted so badly for him to look at me the way he used to. That look that was protective and the one that said he was gonna be there for a while and stuff. That got me all night. Like, I didn't physically show it, but mentally I wanted to go home and just cry. I guess I can admit I'm not over him. Even though I said I was. I mean, I did all the right things to get over him. I deleted all the pictures, messages, comments, everything. I took him off of everything I owned. I physically got him out of my life. But I guess I didn't get rid of the inside baggage. I wanted to just run up to him and cry and scream and tell him everything. I wanted to tell him I hated him for being the one to make me cry. I wanted to tell him I didn't want him to leave for Nashville, I wanted him here. I wanted us to stay together and work out. I don't want us to be the way we are. I want us to talk and hang out like we always did. I feel like once he leaves, I'm going to lose him forever. He won't come home, I know he won't. Things are never ever going to ever be the same. And I hate that. I'm not over him, and I know that the ending to this hasn't been pretty, but I want him back. I want to lay in his arms and have him whisper sweet words in my ear. I want to put my hand in his and try to stop him from popping his fingers. I want to be anxious at 3:30 everyday hoping he calls on time to see how I am. I want him to come over late at night to watch a movie with me. I want to sit in front of him while he plays guitar and let's me sing. I want to sit beside him in the car at a stop light and kiss him. I want to hug him and smell his Abercrombie cologne. I want to talk about how things were going to work our for us. Even though the circumstances weren't so great, I wanna hear "We're gonna make it, babe." I wanna see him and let my heart flutter like it used to. I wanna watch him come into church looking just for me and only me. I want to sit in church and feel his arm around me. I want one more Sunday to be just like it used to be. I want everything to be the way it used to be. And it can never be that again. Ugh, I would be really fine and still strong, if I could've kept those thoughts out of my head. I shouldn't have even let one single sliver come into my head. I should've looked away and put was in the past, in the past. But here I am...it caught up to me. And he'll never know. -sigh I'm going to bed. And I don't wanna fall to pieces I just want to sit and stare at you I don't want to talk about it And I don't want a conversation I just want to cry in front of you I don't want to talk about it Cuz I'm in Love With you