So, yeah, TC : Told me he liked me and I actually admitted to him I did kinda like him, but I just wanted to be friends. He might just be my rebound. Honestly, until I know for sure Cliff is never ever going to be back in my life again, any guy after him is going to be a rebound. Cause I'm waiting for him to come back. Anyways. Something really cool happened. I've been thinking lately... I'm like so lost. I'm not even going to say I'm close to God, or even trying. Because I'm not. Even though, I do wish I was. I wish I was, but I'm not trying anymore, because it's basically useless. I never get anywhere, and until it's really really really real, I'm not shedding any tears over it just to shed some more when its "real" again. [I'm fixing to vent again] I can't let go of the past. I can't. I would killlll to be 13 again, and be innocent and naive to everything, everything in this world. To be so soft hearted, caring, compassionate...I can't even think, and trust me I do a lot of thinking, of a certain situation that came into my life that made me the way I am. But I am so hardddd so everything. To love, to Christ, to church. And that's another thing. My church. Don't get me wrong. I love my church. Or my youth group more. But it's not for all the right reasons. I like it because I have a good time in a good environment. I don't like the preaching. I cant pay attention. And its like competition with everyone. With the teens, it's who can be closer to Jay and Tiff. With the adults, its who can be close to the preacher & Daph. I'm so...lost right now in life. I want so much more. Even though I have it all. I wanna be close to Christ, and be the good girl, but it's so so so so easy being who I am now. You don't understand. I've made it. I have it all. When people hear my name they think "oh, popular girl, she's gorgeous, she can have whatever she wants, she has it all." I've made it so far in that life. You don't know what it'd be like to throw that all away. I've wanted this, and I've got it. And even with all that, I wish I could move on with my life. I wanna get into forsyth tech sooo bad. I'm going to like murder myself if I don't make it. It's like my only alternative and the only way out. It's going to give me a head start. I neeeed to make it in for so many different reasons. I know, i know, enjoy what I have now, chill out with that whole line. I'm tryyyying to be a better person, I'm trying trying trying to be my old self, I am. Yesterday at church, I wanted so badly to breakdown. I thought there was no one I could tell alllll of this too. So, I was like "Lord, pleaaase send someone my way to talk to." And today, my mom and I took a trip to App to get her books, and we started talking and it all just came out. I was like "Asdianf, thank youuuu". (: It felt so good to get it off, I just want this period of my life to be over with. I wanna get outta here and do something with my lifeee. There's just so much...aueaisfnb, idk, going on, and so much to think about. I'm totally lost right now, but I know it's getting better, I can see it. I'm on the verge now. -sigh- And all that really needed to be outttt. -sigh- Maaaan, I'm out, peace.