Hey, i am home now. i started reading a book today, called speak. It's about this girl who lost all her friends and is in grade 9. she kind of reminds me of me, because she sees all her old friends pretending that they don't know her. kind of like me. i see all these people who i used to know. some of them i think pretended to like me because i was friends with a popular girl. she is one of the only people i know who is real. Sometimes i feel like i am a shadow, like i was following people and they know i am there but just don't care. I feel like i have ice in my veins, and my heart is cold. I think i turn away from people because i am incapable of love, because i just can't trust people. I wonder how i will die. i did a quiz once, and it said i will kill myself, but i did another quiz like it, which said i will have a heart attack. me personnaly, i hope to either die in my sleep. But i could kill myself that way people will feel bad for me. people will wonder why they didn't get to know me, but then again i want to live sometimes, i like living whenever i hear about someone who died, i bet they wanted to live. and some people who kill themselves are quite selfish, like parents who have kids, thats not fair, as soon as that kid was born you became forever responsible for him/her, if you kill yourself you are a coward. but there have been times when i understand why people do it. I'd rather cut. there is an escape when you cut, like you flow out of your body, it is an incredible experience. i want to try drugs, but there is something holding me back, like either because i don't have access to it, or because i am scared. i smoke sometimes. only when my friend Giselle comes over or when i am VERY stressed. i like to smoke. i like to feel like i am rebelling against everyone. i love that feeling of not comforming. Today was a shitty day. Tech was crap. I have so much french homework. Lunch was absolute HELL because i was stuck with cate and her little fucking annoying friends. only because mark had to work on something. I have alot of math and i have shitty science Can't wait till march break. my friend isn't going to her grandmas, so hopefully she can come to my house. i like it when she comes over, i can be a little bit free. but i sitll have to be guarded in case we fight, because she is the kind of person to throw things in your face. which i HATE about her