Well, today was a waste of time. i did get away with skipping on friday, so it wasn't a total bust. wow. things are just so weird lately. i've been so preoccipued with NOTHING, and i can't even manage to figure out how i can change it. i got in a huge fight with my mother. she called me selfish, and bitchy, and i called her useless and stupid. of course she isn't. without her i'd be crushed. but still the words just flew out and i couldn't stop myself from hitting her. that's right. i hit her. for no fucking reason, and it makes me so incredible mad because i know i know, she can't handle that. i know it. and i am a fucking tramp anyway. she called me weird, so i cut my arm, right in front of her, like 4 times, until my dad wrestled the knife from me. after that i calmed down, and apologize, and cried, and hugged. God how can she STILL put up with me? how can she STILL love me? i don't think she does, she says she does. she insists she does. but if i was her, i'd hate me with all my soul. i keep pushing her, and pushing her. just to see if she will come back, and she does. she always does, and i'm terrified that one day, she won't. and then where will i be? I've pretty much given up on being anything. that takes talent, smarts, grades and money. none of which i can say i have. I'm just some useless bitch, that's been robbed of any concept of who she is. Cuz that's just who i am this week