WARNING THIS ENTRY CONTAINS CORNY ASS SHIT ABOUT TEEN ROMANCE Crazy few days. bascially just been hanging out with my best friend. i stayed up all night yesterday, then fell asleep @ 8 and had 5 hours of sleep..lol..i'm a crazy kid..anyway, i've been really happy the past few days, with giselle and everything..and then i babysat on tuesday, and called Ryan after. His voice is simply, beautiful. God, i hate how i've fallen. Stupid Stupid Sam. Anyway, we talked to 2 hours. like old times. then he had to go, and i asked him to call me the next day. :) so anyway, The next day, my mom wakes me up at 12, and tells me she's going outside and to answer the phone because my dad was suppose to call. So the phone rings, and i answer it, in my sleep voice, and guess who's amazing,cute,melt your knees voice is on the other end. Ryan, Wow. When this ends, it's going to kill me. So we talked for a while and i just couldn't stop smiling. I know he cares about me. i can see it in the way he looks at me. even the way he kissed me, so eagerly, and so, god there isn't a word for it. i just wish i could see him, and talk to him more. Anyway, I'm done with the romance part. I am so scared about what's going on with the mediacation, and the therapy. maybe i don't want to change. i don't want to be alone, i don't want everyone to mess up how they are suppose to be. maybe i don't want to be happy. maybe i like how i am, and how i've adapted and made things how i like them. i'm secure with how things are. why do i have to change it all now. why does it have to change. why can't i just live like this forever. it would be easier then this scary feeling of not knowing. and what if it doesn't work. what if i stay this way anyway, and i put all my hopes into it working and then it doesnt. what if it makes things worse? huh. it's not fair. it's not fair. why me. huh? what the fuck did i do to deserve such a broken mind. everyone who is in this family didn't get this. so why me? and people have lived through worse and walk away without any problems. it's cuz i'm a pussy. i'm a fucking pussy. stupid fucking pussy. who shouldn't be alive And I thought, be still my heart This could be a brand new start, with you. And it will be clear If I wake up and you're still here with me in the morning.