Well, today was, boring. although we had a half day, which was nice, and i got out at 12:10. i feel like shit today, but that's nothing new. i always seem to be down. This friday should be fun. maybe i'll black out. *fingers crossed* Today was 4/20. blah. who cares. how about someone thinks about colombine and how many people died. I find myself zoning out, and just wishing for the phone to ring. or for me to forget. forget everything. forget every single word. After this is all said and done, i'll look back, and see how much i dwelled on him, and think about how bad he (will) hurt me. I don't think anyone really knows who i am. i say that i'm not fake, but i put on this facade. acting like, "hey i'm happy." acting like i actually know things. but really, i'm just some girl curled up, hoping everyone goes away, or pulls me up, and shows me who i am. I lick my lips, wondering about who i really am. wondering, if anyone will ever crave these lips. if anyone will ever care about what words pass through them. i wish i was something you could adore. something you could admire, but i'm not. deal with it. i fucking have to. so take me or leave me. either way, i'll end up broken. Broken about if you really love me, or Broken because you let me fall. I wish i could dig so very deep. so fucking deep the blood pours out more then it ever has. so i can just go pale(r then i am)and lose myself in a pool of blood. lose myself in the thoughts of eternal happiness, or nothing at all. What is happiness? is it the feeling you get, when you get something you want? is it the feeling you get when you're drunk off your ass? is it the feeling of not feeling? i don't know, but i'd sure as hell like to find out. i really would. i would like to find that peace of mind, so i can finally close the chapter on the pain of my life, and start a new one, a new one about how a smile has overtaken my face, about how i go to sleep just to wake up. not about how i dread sleeping, because i'll wake up sooner or later. So what's there left to do. sit here, on the curb of my life waiting for someone to take notice, and maybe give me a ride to happiness, or keep walking, until i find myself there, or i find myself nowhere. what's there left to do? i'm acting as if i've never smiled before. sure i have laughed. i have giggled, i have been what some people may call happy. i've had so many good times. but i have also been in the rut of tears. i have seen myself hurt every single person around me, so they can feel the way i do. i have done things that rip away that happy feeling. that tear it up and smash it, so i'm left with only that feeling of crying so hard you can't breathe. or crying so soft, you don't even realize you are. I don't know what i am going to do with my life. i'm already 15, and thinking about just giving up. just throwing my hands up in the air and walking away. walking away from life, from friends, from love. but also walking away from tears. from that look of hatred. that pain i cause people, and myself. The question is in the air. the choice, of what the hell i am suppose to do. but the truth is, i won't do anything. i'll just sit here, continuing to over-analyse my life. continuing to wonder what i am going to do. and continue to question everything. [[ I swear If I could take your pain and frame it And hang it on my wall Maybe you would never have to hurt at all I'm painting pictures in red and blue A portrait bruised just like you Now you're walking away ]]