I really should be doing homework, but starting is the worst thing. i wish i was smart. i wish i could meet the man of my dreams, this is what i want him to be like a punk or a skater preferably, he has to be nice, open minded, and lovable. he has to deal with some of my problems, he has to be able to be the rainbow for me, after the storm. i need him for support, i need him for a lving touch when i need it. i need him to be able to be himself around me, and to accept me when i am myself. he needs to no love but at least tolerate my needs. looks well, thats the last thing i think about, my friend once said, "so you would go out with GREG?" (really ugly nasty lil perv in my gr) and i said " if he had the personality and if he loved me, i might" and she did not believe me!!! i mean she thought everyone was superficial, well I AM NOT! i almost typed reality check, but in reality most people are that superficial in real life. The guy of my dreams.....doesn't exist. I am loving how people can be nice as long as it doesn't cost them anything. i mean, they can be nice to you, as long as they don't have to hang out with you. or they can be giving if they don't want what they are giving away. I watch people in the halls sometimes, wondering what their lives are like, i bet they don't even notice i exist, too into themselves to notice the redhead walking behind them, too much of a narassict to even acknowledge that there are other people in this world too many people are so loved by themselves for nothing, to many people care about how people look, they will be friends with people if it gets them farther in life or higher on the social food chain, i am right at the bottom, i am in grade 9, fat not many friends in my lunch, i am prey to anyone who wants to feel better about themselves. my teacher was talking about that today, she was wondering why people treat other people so badly. i know why. i didn't say, it is because say if i thought my hair looked bad, i would take the attention off me and look at the fat girl and say hey shes fat. or if i was feeling bad about myself, i would look at someone else fortunate and feel like well at least im not that loser. ISN"T THAT SO INCREDIBLE STUPID? but that is what it is like Even Teachers are like that, they are even too selfish to notice the bruises on my face or the cuts on my arm. I told one of my princpals i cut, you want to know what she said? she said and i quote "there are more important things to deal with right now, like runaways" I was heartbroken, then i told someone else i trusted and he looked at me disguisted. this guy is suppose to be a counsellor. and he judged me that day, he looked at me like i didn't matter, like i was so replusive that it didn't matter if i lived or died. at that moment i vowed NEVER to trust anyone ever ever ever again. and i never have. i will never get help for being as fucked up as i am.