Today was kind of shitty. i have so much on my plate right now. it's ridiculous. i need a break, but i can't have one. i think that sunday is going to end up not working out, and my alcohol source is being a cunt, so i can't get it from her. and i dunno. I hate sitting on this god damn computer waiting for him to come online. it's so stupid. i'm so stupid. i'm suppose to go meet him for a movie next weekend. i'm so fucking terrifed because i know what will happen. he's going to be replused. disguisted. i have known him for 2 years. that's a long time. maybe he won't care. but it wont be the same. it will end up being a friendship like me and mark. and that's scary too. At least we can scratch out the whole internet pal thing. i'm just afraid this will scratch out the whole pal thing too. i hope not. i hope he's not like that. i'm totally setting myself up for failure. totally. fuck. fuck. i dont want him to hate me. because i can take other rejection. i can take my friends totally fucking ditching me [which they did today, never fucking waited for me after 2nd], i can take my sister hating me. i can even take the fact it probably isnt a date, but fuck, if he hates me. that'll kill me. defiately.