My life is so confusing. i don't understand. i fought with ryan, and now we're not fighting? i don't know. i hate typing about him. hurts alot. the cutting is back. and worse. i don't know why i ever stopped. i also burnt myself with a car lighter, which felt awesome, but killed so bad after. My parents know. which sucks. because i know what they think about. they think i'm crazy. and i know i am. it just sucks they realized it. Good things have happened this weekend thou. Friday Giselle's Birthday Party. i starting smoking again. had a joint and some drinks. Saturday I went to a fucking hedley show, and i touched Jacob Hoggard. Hugged Tommy and got some awesome pictures SundayWent to Giselle's. Hung Out for a couple of hours. talked to ryan on the phone. then today i talked to him again on the phone for like 2 hours. i'm such an idiot. i feel so suffocated by everything. like school. friends. family. money. birthday. everything sucks i wish i could just disappear. i have no reason to be alive anymore. .want to put my tender heart in a blender..watch it spin around to a beautiful oblivion.