school has been shit. absolute shit. and now i have fucking hives breaking out all over me. i feel trashy. i know me and ryan are over. and that my friend thinks we're not going to be friends for very much longer. Fuck. life is bullshit. absolute bullshit. i think i need to start cutting again. i have to search my mom's room. find the razors. and cut. because im sick of it. School is going to be stressful. Ryan is stressful. Boys are stressful. Friends are stressful Therapy is stressful. Prozac is stressful. Family is stressful. Urges are stressful My Life is stressful. and i'm fucking sick of it. Maybe i need to stop trying. Maybe i need to give up, try to kill myself again. Cept, do a better job. Last time was bullshit. Sad thing is, i was alone in my room. dark room. imagine my mom walked in. with me blue on the floor. what would she have done. probably been relieved. i would if i was her. I think i'm done with my friends. well the one group of them. they are fucking trash. literally. they had this plan to wear their collars up in the picture, and no one fucking told me. it's because they all have the same lunch but me. but whatever. they are all retards and fucked up. and i had my collar up anyway, because it's like Elvis. Fucking sluts. what am i going to do with my life. i don't know. i really don't. i'm just one big fuck up anyway. a fucking loser. with no chance for a life. no chance for love. no chance for anything but sitting at this computer and wasting away. i wish i could just change things. i'd make myself beautiful. then i would erase Ryan from my life. i'd say, "ryan you are a patheic, disguisting, ugly, skinny, stupid, racist,loser with bad teeth and i wish i never set eyes on you." that's what i'd say. but i can't. because i need him. i know, it's stupid. but maybe things will work out. Also, i could never ever say that to him because i know he is just a stupid boy and it's my fault i let him in my heart. and the worst thing, i have no one. no one at all. my friends are fake. fake. fake. fake. fake. fake. I just don't know what to do. it's not like i need anyone. i don't need friends. i don't need love. i don't need anything really. i mean for a long time that's all i had. really. then she gets upset i wouldn't go to that stupid thing with her so she can see her boyfriend. well i'm sorry, but fuck when you hung out with me and ryan you had a fucking boyfriend. he didn't JUST dump you 2 weeks prior. fuck you. i mean how fucking callous can you be. expect me to fucking want to go. it's not my fault. fuck you. fuck you. you fucking slut. Jesus. i'm angry. so fucking angry. i wish ryan was online. i swear i'd fucking tell him off. lol. nahh, i'm glad he's not. i went a week without talking to him, and i'm actually over him. i think i am. bascially. i mean, i don't want to be in a relationship with him because i care about him. i just want a boyfriend. and i just want to do stuff with him. so i know i don't really care about him. I have to change my tech course. it's too hard and i'm the only girl in it. the rest of my classes are okay. i like english even though i have a bullshit fucking teacher and french is going to be so hard. ahhhh. hardness. lol. what else. Tomorrow is going to suck, because it's gunna be awkward with her. but at least i'm seeing the Used and Alexisonfire. then again her bf is gunna be there. which will be awkward. i mean, im not being a bitch but it's hard NOT to think about ryan when they started going out the same day me and ry did. then ry breaks up with me and they continue going out, even though she acts like she doesn't care about him. and i mean if it's for my benefit fuck off. cuz if ur relationship goes no where, she'll blame it on me and resent me for it. god i should end it here. cuz right now. im just ranting and raving. See, I dont know why I liked you so much I gave you all, of my trust I told you, I loved you, now thats all down the drain Ya put me through pain, I wanna let u know how I feel Fuck what I said it dont mean shit now Fuck the presents might as well throw em out Fuck all those kisses, they didn't mean jack Fuck you, you hoe, I dont want you back