The week's over. i'm sitting here. after 5 hours of fucking babysitting. my stomach hurts like a motherfucker. and i think i smell. nice to know eh? oh fucking well. it's not like i'm going to be doing anything at all. Things are still out of hand and i'm still fucking crazy. but that's nothing new. i pretty much have to embrace it, or i'd be dead. although i think i'm going down that path right now. I wish i had someone. anyone. not nessacerily a boyfriend type, but anyone. i've lost my best friend to nothing and i'm just going crazy by myself. It's like their is this monster in my head. i'm not talking about voices or anything. i'm just like, one minute i'm fine. driving in the car with papa bear and sister bear. Next minute i'm at home with a fucking switchblade and my mom is begging me to give it back. i just am going mad. i know if she hadn't come down. there would have been blood. now i'm having flashes, going back into that laundry room, with my mom begging to give it back and me just muttering, "this is final" and dragging the knife down my arm, with blood exploding from my arm. how horrific for my mother if i did that. but i just can't seem to think about it not happening that way. I need to cut up my arm again. i need to make it scar. i need too. i need it. i mean when i'm all by my fucking self, that fucking razor is there. just lovely. non judgemental. it cuts anyone as it would cut me. and it makes me happy. i'm weird. i'm crazy. but for a split second, as the glass or the razor or the knife cuts into me. i'm not sad. i'm not happy. i'm not anything. i'm human. i'm bleeding. i'm making something out of nothing. i'm fucked. i really need help don't i? fuck. No Transitory I'm in a constant state of getting cut So why don't I feel anything? This is a violation Maybe I forgot what it was like Before it entered me So this is what they call Another endless night So tired of believing If this is wrong or right I think this cause is lost I wish that I could sleep I feel like some kind of shadow Another slave to the week Imagine if we lived Under the weather We would never be found Never discovered If everything goes wrong If it's one more endless night You know there always tomorrow And tomorrow... They'll know there's always tomorrow And this knife, this knife It is my most important appendage So now that your whole world Has gone up into flames This night is still never ending Do you think you're still safe? Seems everything went wrong We were discovered But this time there's no tomorrow And tomorrow... And this knife, this knife.