Today wasn't the best days i've had before. it was pretty much mediorce, other then fighting with my mom. but what's new. i'm retarded. I'm a fucking pussy. i'm screwed for this project. i know i am. fuck. fuck. fuck. damn. i picked writer as the career. as if i am good enough to do that. i don't have enough patience for it. i have fucking 2 book i'm writing and i've given up on both of them. hopefully i can get back on my feet and finish them. I feel like i'm going to vomit. fuck. this sucks. the bagel i had was disguisting. didn't sit right. BLAH. everything sucks right now. i'm just want to get all of this pressure gone. i have dug myself so fucking deep. 3 months has past. Yet again, i've been forgotten. But this time i guess i had already figured i'd be fucked. Don't ever put hope in anyone but yourself. Other people will just trample all over you. Other people will just forget about you and that hope you put in them. That's why i'm all alone. Sure, it gets lonely. but at least i'm hurting myself. no one else can get that fucking sasitisfation of hurting me. of seeing me cry over them. of crushing my dreams. No one will be the reason i'm hurting and know it. I'll cry over people. they will never fucking know. Not have a fucking clue. God, I'm a fucking retard. who would have thought i would end up here. Sitting here. in my fucking pajamas. Dead inside. That's what i am. Dead. why not have the outside match the inside. God. i just don't know where to go right now. i don't know what to do. I've lost all the intiative. All the hope. All the focus. I'm lost. I really don't know what i am suppose to do. Me and my sister acted as if nothing was happening. All those fucking lies i told myself. About never forgiving her. Out the fucking window the moment i saw her. I HATE BEING SO FUCKING SOFT! Jesus christ. I am so fucked up right now. This weekend isn't going to work out. I know what's going to happen. He's going to hate me. Be replused. I know what guys think. I know him. I know the girls he likes. Small. He'll think i'm so god damn vile and never talk to me again. And i'll be left, crushed. Maybe it won't happen at all. and it will continue to be so unfillfulled, but at least he'll still be my friend. Man, who would have thought how fucking whorey my friends are. it's actually really disguisting. who does that? you're not even dating?! Fucking whores. I need new friends. Just forget about it, anything I said about it. Drive away tonight, you think it's fine. You put it all inside and run and never look behind. It's all the same besides the fact that it's mine. Think of me when you're dreaming and know, I'm wide awake and thinking of you. Cause I swear when you're there alone, Know that I'm wide awake tonight.. You could hold my heart. It's all yours if you want. ^best song in the world^