Hey, things have been the same lately. horrible. My life is like a bottomless pit. i just keep falling and falling. Friday was shitty. there were only some high points. I will begin with the many crappy points. (alright i am in a whiney mood. i always am on sunday) Well, my friend was sick, and we had an assembly. the first one that i got to go to the grade 9 one. so i had to sit with one girl i was pissed at, but i just shrugged it off. At lunch i studied in the library for a science test. i voted for school elections. Then i failed my science test. i know it. Then things perked up when i got to math. I sit beside a nice guy named Jeff. and my friend Melissa is in it. Then my Jeff won Junior Minister, which i am really happy about. i voted for him. He was so happy! i was glad. he gave me and melissa a hug. i voted for him and she didn't but shhhh. Then i got home and went to the Y. Jeff is really cool. but fuckhead Chris called him a "fague" so i got so MAD and i was like listen if you are going to be a jerk then learn how to spell the insult. then i was like "me think he doth protest too much" and he was like what he does act guy. so i lectured him about judging him. i was probably very annoying. but who cares Chris fucking derserve a shitload more then a lecture. Tears are forming in my eyes. i am so incredibly sad, for no reason. i miss my brother, i miss my old life. I am terrified for exams. The stupid catholic board oked the uniforms thing. so my school will get uniforms. stupid fucking assholes. take everything away now. I really dont want to wake up tomorrow moring. I am so depressed. i am so sick of living a lie. I am sick of pretending i am so tough. i am sick of arguing with myself. I am sick of trying to be the person everyone excepts. Dammit. i wish everything was different. i am seriously on the edge. i am trying to hold back Cutting, but i need it. I think i made a scar last time. I loved it. Cept i need a new sharper razor. no, i need someone to fucking LISTEN., i need someone to care, not to dismiss me. not to run away when i show my real side. so many fucking people have, and i am so incredibly SICK of it. I really wish i could just close my eyes and all of it be over. i am sick of these responsiblies. i am sick of these pressures. i am sick of it. i want to end all the pain. i want it to be over. Someone please do me a favour, do everyone a favour and kill me. I have decided i am an idoit to believe i am punkish. i am just labelling myself and i don't want that. i don't like the "punks" at my school, and i never want to be like those fucking pothead losers. *no offense to any other punks, just the ones in my french and their friends are losers* I feel so incredibly sick. i want to chug a bottle of tynol. but its not like anyone would notice. I wish i had the courage to like strave myself, or kill myself. but i don't. i am a coward. I think my brother has a day off from tree planting in B.C, but he hasn't called. he probably won't. i mean he's probably better off there. 3 provinces away from me. I think i have tainted anyone who ever has know me. i have burdened them with my problems. Poisoned them with my thoughts. Ruined them with my presence. Who would notice if one day i just stopped showing up at school. if one day i just never came out of my room. if one day i just, stopped breathing. It would be a present from me to them. like an apology for being alive. i would leave a note. saying all this. No one has ever loved me. No one has ever looked at me with sincere eyes. Looked deep into my heart i loved me for me, for my imperfections. for everything that makes me..me. and i doubt anyone will. Because i am the plague. the ghost. the loser. my good qualities are covered by the bad. No one will ever see the good without first looking past the bad. no one will. I am sick of love movies. i plan to write one, about a fat girl like me. who meets the boy of her dreams. he seems interested, but doesn't want to be. then he ditches her for the "popular" girl. and the fat girl kills herself. Thats REAL life.