my father's relationship with me is based too much on my ACT score. it makes me sad how he finally feels like i might be worth talking to just because of it.

im going to leave you all with this thought. before someone gets offended, this is not aimed towards a particular person, it is aimed toward anyone and everyone, its just something i have been thinking about lately. is it not best to leave sleeping dogs lie and take care of the problems that are already bothering you? im not sure what the true meaning of the metaphor is, but what i mean is, if something isnt a problem dont make it one, especially with a bunch of other problems already going on. and heres another thought. don't sit and wish you hadn't done things. there is no point in that, stop wallowing in your self pity, get off your ass and fix what you screwed up. auf wiedersehen. (i found something that will actually teach me basic german!! mwahahhahaha) i shall talk to you all in three weeks. i convinced my mom to buy me sleeping pills. hopefully ill be able to adapt without the 5 caffiene pills i am bringing along justincase. ___________________________________ forget the thoughts, i just hope everything works out for EVERYONE. today/tonight has been quite an eventful day i suppose... _________________________ firsts of the day: *told that someone could see me being a dominatrix im not sure if i should find that funny or disturbing... but they were joking.

i always worried that when i was older i would use traveling as a means of escape from problems. and when i had begun to tell myself that i was over that stage, that i could stand up and face everything, and be strong, here i see this golden oppurtunity in front of me, a plane ticket and a passport and a different side of the world. im trying to resist, to not use travel as a means of escape, but somethings snapping, and i think i might be happy to leave everything for a while. ill miss my good friends, and i hope everything gets worked out while im gone. i love you. and ill miss you. Traum von mir...

things are getting more and more dramatic and i dont like it, and i have a stomach ache and it hurts. me and kelsey and courtney are going to have a girls + my brother night in, watching dirty dancing havana nights and eating ice cream. everything just seems to be coming to a climax and an end long before it should... it seems like school starts tomorrow. it practically does, for me at least. time will stand still for me while i am gone. its a strange world, you'd never know who has everything in common with you...they might be that person who passes you in the hall every day, or they could be someone who lives thousands of miles away. you'd never know...

i have a horrible headache behind my left eye. i cant concentrate on anything, because it stabs its way into what i'm thinking about and rudely starts hurting. i can't write. i can't read. i can't do anything but sit here and be useless. which is why i am going to bed so early. goodnight.

i really need to quit the nocturnal lifestyle, but i cant seem to. i stay up almost until dawn most nights, and fall asleep until midafternoon. i actually kind of like it. but its going to hurt me in four days. yes, four days. thats not very long, i guess.. kelsey gets back tomorrow. i guess she has quite the surprise waiting for her. but yes, its going to hurt me in four days when i 1. have trouble sleeping on planes in the first place, for one thing and 2. won't have the least bit desire to because i'll be wide awake. and then i will have to stay awake for the entire next day until night so that i fall into the time. needless to say i'm taking my stash of caffienne tablets, because im not sure how else i will be able to survive the first day or so, unless by some miracle i end up sleeping on the plane. well, goodbye. __________________________________ today right before getting into the shower, there was nothing on the radio except for comericials on the alternative rock station, so i tried to turn it to the oldies station, and only realized after i was already in the shower that i had actually turned it to the soft rock station, which i usually do not like at all. but it was ok, because after a few minutes ace of base came on, and i felt like a little girl wearing sambas, with an addidas jacket and a yin yang necklace. ace of base was the first group that i liked that my parents did not, and we would dance to it in dance class when i was younger. i sang along happily, and wondered what my children would think about the 90s.

im really getting excited to leave. things seem to be getting dramatic. ahem. kelsey needs to come back. right now. im really tired...and its only 11 15...impossible... ive only been up 9 hours. i dont know how im tired. only five more days and im out of here. and then school starts. yay...i guess. i just hope this year will be better than last year. not saying last year was bad, just hoping next year will be better. i just downloaded those few old deftones songs that i used to love, and i remember how much they affect me now. they give me chills, almost make me cry, they make me want to be that girl you chase through the still night in a dark forest, that runs softly, laughing because you cant catch her, the one who dissapears before your eyes. the bird doesnt love me anymore. i havnt seen it in days. that pretty little green bird that would come to the window in whatever room i was in and look in on me curiously, and sing. i hope it didnt die...

THERES SOMETHING FUNNY AT THE BOTTOM! SKIP THE IRRELEVANCY! i think that my grandmothers appointment was today. im interested to find out what the doctor says, because i had this growing theory that she was making up the hearing voices just so that my dad would take her places and buy her things, which was apparently ok because he saw her get beaten by his dad when he was little and that changes things now or something. he saw that, but he doesnt see anything anymore. he doesnt see the way his mom acts. my mom and him never talk while shes there, except for my mom to tell him what his mom is doing and how rude it is, and him telling her she needs to be more caring, stop being so bitchy, and force me and my brother to be more caring too. oh well. life is what it is, and i shall make the best of it. with a smile, of course books to read while on vacation: odyssey and do rest of packet red dragon hannibal jaws insomnia by stephen king the talisman by stephen king and i dont remember who else and dracula, which im thinking about leaving there, because all these books are going to be way heavy. skip this part if you dont want to read something long and irrelevant _____________________________________ i really need to start trying to live more. i see my grandma, in her adult diapers (with clothes over them, of course...[shudders]) walking around, having to smoke every five minutes and drinking a case of diet coke a day, and nothing she says is intelligible because her voice has become scratchy from an entire life of smoking too much. i see her, the highlight of her day is to count out her pills, which she doesnt even know what they do, but there are bottles and bottles of them, and she probably takes over twenty a day. i see her, and i know i dont want to end up like that, at only 69. and i wonder if she has things she wished she had done, and i know she has, because once, she came in here while i was talking to people online, and she sat down and watched me, like she often does (drives me crazy!!) and she asked me if i had a boyfriend. i told her no. at the time i think me and nathan had broken up less than a month before, and i probably told her that. but anyway... she told me how when she was in highschool, she was engaged. and something happened, i dont remember what, i think he was dating someone else while they were engaged, and so she broke it off, or he broke it off, and then ended up with my grandpa, and they enjoyed being married by ignoring their children and being alcoholics, and him beating her, and then divorcing her when they were 30 or 40 because she was hearing voices and seeing messages on pennies. _________________________________________ ok. well then. its gotten much too hot here. the heat doesnt bother me as much as the humidity. i can't have my window open anymore, and i never go outside except at night. and that bothers me. oops, that was irrelevant too. oh well. sorry. maybe ill add more later. for now, i will continue writing the unnamed book, that i dont know what its about because i dont know where its going. just add it a little at a time. i finally got myself to write some more yesterday. but i know its not going to be a satisfying piece of writing, to me at least. because i wanted something that would move people, something that asked the questions that we all want to know the answers to, something that made people think, something that made people angry at the world, or look at their own lives and realize how good they have it after all. and it seems like some stupid middle school novel. i dont think ill show it to anyone unless it ends up something good. it would be too embaressing, haha. oooh, lightning. i am so outside. ill add more later. i love summer storms. and theres a breeze now too, i love it. oh wow, the rainy day song. funny thing: my neighbor thinks my mom and the crazy guy that lives on our street are having an affair. this is probably only funny to those who have been to my house, and seen his ways. like when he was saying good morning to me like he was a ventriloquist dummy, or when he told my dad they were talking about martians on the news, or when jesse and katie and a few other people were ringing peoples doorbells 'trick or treating' the night after halloween for fun, and he told them he was a police officer and a bunch of stuff, and had them scared to death. he finds the strangest things to talk about. and i admit, he flirts with my mom a lot. but she would never cheat on my dad, and that guy just wants attention. ____________________________________ .

I LOVE st louis blues snowcones from SnJs. yep. school needs to start. im losing my life. today i slept until three, when my mom woke me up by letting my dogs into my room so that they could slobber all over my face, so she could tell me she was back from wherever she went, which i didnt know she was gone. so i dragged myself downstairs and spent from four to seven playing the national parks edition of monopoly with my mom and my brother. and then we went to snjs. not my idea of a typical fun day, but hey. :/ who wants to do something tomorrow?

OMG. I MUST HAVE THE SIMS 2. i must have it. its as simple as that. go look it up and see how much more awesomely awesome it is compared to the first sims. which im pissed about, by the way. because i guess you could call me a simulation game freak. but i have every expansion pack, and half of them wont install. and it bothers me. i am sacrificing about a week of sleeping in my room for kickass walls. its worth it. and my new bed: http://www.overstock.com/cgi-bin/d2.cgi?PAGE=PROFRAME&PROD_ID=617376 awesome. im tired...

i think maybe i've become a bit too much of a night owl a bit too late in the summer. this is bad. could be very bad. courtney spent the night last night. she fell asleep and i wasnt tired, so i ended up playing the sims for three hours, and then watching half of pirates of the caribbean until around four (i think?) when i finally decided to go to sleep, and got a grand total of 2 hours and twenty minutes before my dad came down for work. then we slept in my room but not for very long. and i feel like im moving. like im trying to hang out with my friends and finish all of my business because im never gonna see people again or something. but im not going to be able to stay up so late when we are on vacation, because everyone else will be wanting to sleep. but then with the jet lag and time difference who knows if ill want to. hopefully i wont. and then hopefully the jetlag coming back wont be too horribly bad, because im pretty sure i get back only a day before school starts. which also means that i probably wont have a permanent schedule or any other information about school until the day before it starts, which sucks. and ill miss orientation AGAIN, so who knows what will happen with lockers. and i really need to get started on my homework. i think maybe if i lived alone i would be someone who's lifestyle revolved around night. i love night, it enthralls me. and i always seem to end up being awake all night when i can be. its just...so much more beautiful than the day time. but maybe im weird. ok, so i feel like crap... i want to be single right now. i like being this independent girl, and i want to focus on school, and getting good grades.... my grandmother leaves early tomorrow morning... HALLELUJAH. and then we get her back when we come back from europe. so, it is the fateful day of july 19th. nothing happened...i was a day off. because a ton of shit happened yesterday. at least...nothing that i know of happened... but i kind of stayed offline all day...probably the work of my unconscious mind. can you tell that it has been way too long since i have been on here?? i can. here comes the sun, children. Listening to: 311-Flowing awesome song. kelsey likes it too, i wonder if she is having fun in the sun on the beach. i miss gulf shores. oh lord. im going to be in europe for my *1 year* thing. but its ok because im beginning to forget about the entire ordeal. friends:we need to do things all the time this week! im gonna miss you all so much!! if you want a postcard, leave an address or give it to me somehow and tell me if you would rather have one from france or germany, and if you want a specific city then say so. heres the agenda: im putting it up again because i have nothing better to do. july 29th-frankfurt, germany july 30th-august 1st-christina's house, which is also in germany. she was our third exchange student, and is like an older sister to me. but i am afraid. yes. we are staying at their house, while JAN is there, a boy of my age who i don't seem to get along well with. except this time he has the upperhand. because my parents are gay and cant wait until next year to go, when i will actually know some german. so now he can make fun of me with his friends all he wants, and i will have no clue. :O im really scared. i hope they are nice enough to talk in english most of the time while we are there. i feel like crap that they have to change for us, but im scared to not know any of what they are talking about. i know a few phrases in spanish, but almost NOTHING of german. hopefully ill pick some up?? because that stupid computer program my father bought that is supposed to help you learn it does not teach, it only quizzes. and i need to actually learn the stuff BEFORE i get quizzed over it. anyways... august 2nd-historic walled city of rothenburg, germany. what ive heard from the father is that its basically just like it would have been hundreds and hundreds of years ago, or something. august 3rd-munich, germany august 4th-fussen, germany august 5th-berlin, germany august 6th-7th-hamburg, germany we will get to visit our first exchange student, natalie and her boyfriend/husband?? in hamburg. we almost had to go to a baby shower that was her cousins. and that would have been terrifying. tons of people who are speaking a language that you dont know and looking at you like you shouldnt be there; the spectacle of the occasion. maybe they would be making fun of my NON hairy armpits. but im probably being an ignorant american. which is the last thing i want to be, trust me. im just afraid. which you can probably grasp by now from the way ive been talking. august 8th-9th-calais, france im told that somewhere we will be driving through the netherlands, i am assuming it will be in between hamburg and calais. august 10th-11th-bayeux, france erm, one of those places or both (i cant remember) are near the normandy beaches, which hopefully wont be too cold to go on... and of course, august 12th-15th-paris, france im guessing people are going to want postcards from there. now heres the part i dont get. we leave europe the 16th. so where are we staying for that extra day? and im assuming we will get back late the 16th or the 17th, but if we do by chance get back the 16th instead of the 17th, chances are im going to have horrible jetlag and will want to sleep. so there ya go. and i plan to bring back quite a hoard of german haribo candy, which i have developed quite a taste for (the exchange students send them as gifts) and i need to go shopping for all of the people we are staying with for gifts... and im scared of the flight. i havnt been in the air since hawaii, which was in between 6th and 7th grade. and this flight will be particularly long, of course. a layover in chicago. might as well drive to chicago and fly from there, for that. anyways.. im going to go read my john saul book and think of ideas for my book, and try to sleep. because i think im going to accompany my mother to rolla tomorrow, to drop of my grandmother, not because i want to see her, but because my poor mother and i need something to do. anyways, i love you all. and if you read this far, i feel quite loved and quite bad. you didnt have to do that. :) courtney is rubbing off on me. i typed out 'yall' instead of 'you'. (hides) i cant wait till school starts. i wanna not be shy this year. really bad. i feel sometimes like im trapped inside myself or something, someone has sewed my mouth closed, so i can only blush and turn away instead of talk to people. i never used to be this way. i wonder what happened to make me this way. actually, i think i know. hmm. i love the story 'clockwork', by philip pullman. read it, its awesome, and a very quick read. ____________________________________ i'm limited to around 280 pictures in three weeks, and no videos, unless i want to have the pictures be one megapixel (otherwise known as, suckness. grainy.) i want them to be three megapixels, but that would limit me to less than 220. this is actually a bit painful somehow.

things are actually starting to feel like summer, right before it ends. staying up all night talking on the phone and sleeping until 3. yep. does anyone want to do something today? or rather, tonight, even though it feels like morning to me ? hehe im going to the mall with my mom most likely to get this one shirt, if they still have it, but that should only take a little bit and other than that i have nothing in the world to do. "you can't be let down if you don't expect the world..." -311, Flowing oh and by the way happy birthday golly even though you don't read this. hehe

fudge sundae poptarts are awesome. anyway. kelsey leaves tonight for florida. and im going to miss her. and then when she gets back i leave for europe two or three days later. and then when i get back the next day is the first day of school. it feels like summer is over. and im scared and excited, i guess... i just hope i have classes with yall. i want to talk to golly. tomorrow is his birthday. ....a water sign. like the cards said. silence like a cancer grows...

i have no life. 400 entries since november. psh. good news, children!! they are currently making a phantom of the opera movie that is scheduled to come out sometime this winter. but nothing can be so great as the book. they are going to butcher it. BUTCHER IT!! (psycho guy with big knife stabbing book while playing the trademark psycho string music) erm...nevermind its impossible. but anyway. who wants to come with me to see it? ________________________ Overview: Stand on your head. Do a cartwheel. Better yet, ask a (tall) friend to hold you upside down and give you a gentle shake. There, exactly what you needed -- a new perspective! quite strange, these happen to me quite often...every night i look at the horoscope for the past day, so that if its true i know it isnt true because i made it that way. it is often completely relevant. well, a tall friend certainly gave me a new perspective on things...not quite so literally, it was really more of a conversation thing though hehe

i love this song. i'm not sure whether or not i believe in astrology, and i lean towards no. but what is fortold to happen in this age is too wonderful not to hope for. look it up, if you want to know. its the age of my sign! and im lovin' it. *then peace will guide the planet and love will steer the stars* anyways. tonight was SO much fun. haha next entry is my 400. how sad is that. ______________________________ ok well im tired and technically its the 11th i just DONT WANT TO GET TO 400 because that is fucking crazy. i feel like i dont have a life :-/ maha. buy my book, kiddos!!

i get completely fucking paranoid when i dont have much sleep. i thought i saw someone outside the window. and then i thought they were following me. stupid becca. ___________________________________ happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear courtney, happy birthday to you. _________________________________________ yes! my writers block is gone, people! ahhahahah it feels wonderful to be able to write more than a few words without having to stop.

today was the last day that i shall have straight hair. i need to talk to golly. damn that time difference. *look for the girl with the sun in her eyes and shes gone.* awesome song. great band. ______________________________________ jeez. he is JUST like her. JUST LIKE HER lol. they must go together quite well, because they have the same complete misunderstanding of me, so maybe they think alike. anyway. he is just making things worse. _______________________________________ im curious, because this debate has been going on for years: there is a fair amount of suspicion that the song lucy in the sky with diamonds by the beatles, which is the one i was talking about above, was written about LSD. BUT, John Lennon persisted until the day he died that it was about a drawing his son drew. everyone argues about it. but i guess i want the opinion of someone who has actually TRIED LSD. i mean...who would know what an LSD trip is like, except for someone who has experienced it? ___________________________________ ahhhhhhhhhhh the advice diaries are STILL popping up. or maybe im noticing a bunch that i had never noticed before. jeez. you would think they woulda run out of names by now. _____________________________________ i think im gonna put the picture of me back up instead of the stupid dandelion. my diary just seems kind of impersonal. like, i could be 50 or 5. at least with the picture people have a hint. ___________________________________ gah... i really need to start on my summer homework. i cant find the packet for the odyssey! anywhere! shit.

well, my grandmother is hearing voices again. so who knows whats going to happen. becuase my aunts dont want her back, she drives them crazy too. and no one has enough money to put her in a home. and i need my college money!!! gah. im going to start doing chores around the house or something. i mean, i really, REALLY need to start saving for all these things. 1. car. but that one, i dont care as much about as the other two. 2. college, hopefully in a different country which i realize is doubtful 3.PLANE TICKET OUT OF THIS COUNTRY. i got five years, baby. well, probably longer than that, if i can get my passport renewed, but thats just more money i have to save for... a connection like that does crazy things. yeah, i realize ill probably never meet him. but i dont underestimate the importance for anything. and i believe that everything happens for a reason. so. and just because you are wrong doesnt make me fucking weird. ___________________________________ i need to get my feet back on the ground and my head out of the clouds. that dandelion looks horrible there. im not sure what to put there instead. its just, like, BAH!!! out of nowhere. because the background is light and it doenst go with my diary. _____________________________ Listening to: Poprocks and Coke-Green Day i prefer to wear my watch backwards. as in, the face of it is on my inner wrist. does anyone else wear their watch like this? or am i just a strange little child?

my goodness, i am so confused about what i want right now. i sat down yesterday and thought and daydreamed, which i do sometimes in my spare time. and i realized how much i have changed and how im not sure if i like it. and how i dont think i do. like how i never think about the things i used to think about. and how i hate that. like how thoughts of i wish i had someone i want to find someone for me have been filling my head. and i never think about anything thats IMPORTANT to me anymore. like world issues and whats happening around me. and how when i hear news of the upcoming election and the war in iraq its like a fly on the wall, and i dont ever actually listen, because i dont really care anymore. because it all just fades into the wallpaper in my kitchen and i know i cant do anything to change it and it doesnt matter anyway, becuase im just a stupid teenager and i think something has broken me. and im more worried about whether or not someone has eaten all of the icecream sandwiches. and my room looks so wonderfully tragic with peeling wallpaper and liqiud stains. and i dont care if kerry or bush wins becuase i dont have a say and its all the same anyway. and i might as well stop caring. and i hate that. i hate that with a passion. and its gotten harder for me to read high level things. and im scared ive gotten more stupid. and im just scard of everything. and i hate everything. and im not sure why im being like this. but yeah. im afraid i cant get the old me back. and i miss it -------------------------------- Listening to:britney spears-everytime tell me how can i want someone so bad, and how can they be right in front of my face yet a million miles away at the same time? and someone agree with me that that isnt fair. someone better.

and if you ever find a moment, spare a thought for me ____________________________________ last night was fun. went to bluebird park with kelsey. the fireworks were beautiful. i had a few stupid moments, but its ok. im so very confused. i like someone who lives thousands of miles away from me. we randomly started talking, and totally clicked, just like that. but england seems a lifetime away from here. and its most likely that i will never meet him. ah well. i want a car. just a random statement. i hate 15. its so damn middle. i have a very large bugbite on my elbow from last night. i thought it was a mousquito bite, but im thinking maybe its 4 mousquito bites. strange. _______________________________ my passport is valid for five years. if i can get the hell away from here within that time period, maybe i have a chance at freedom. and then comes...renouncing my citizenship. which feels like it shall be very sad. which means that in order to come back i would have to get a passport. and get permission of two governments. just to see my family and all my highschool friends. and that means that i will only have a few years of college schooling before leaving? i want to be able to get a decent job wherever in europe i move, and i am aware that an american education is quite inferior to a european education. so im not sure what will happen there. its a very large and important, and PERMANENT decision to make, so i plan to think about it a lot before deciding whether or not i truly want to start saving up, or if i shall stay in the states. ______________________________ im getting a perm friday. im getting loose, large curls, but its funny because its going to take a week for them to get that way, and until then, they are going to be quite tight. so im a bit nervous. _____________________________ i am obsessed with michelle by the beatles. WHY CANT I HAVE LIVED IN THE 60S. _____________________________________ strange question...no, nevermind. its not a fair question, not a fair question at all. __________________________________________ thirteen random things you like 1: learning 2: that "free" feeling i get when im out with my friends 3: being outside 4: night 5: rain 6: eyes 7: photography 8: the phantom of the opera 9: dreaming 10: the 60s-70s time period 11: traveling 12: music 13: thought provoking things twelve good movies 1: cruel intentions 2: the dead poet's society 3: donnie darko 4: big fish 5: edward scissorhands 6: the breakfast club 7: the matrix 8: when a stranger calls 9: mona lisa smile 10: van helsing 11: texas chainsaw massacre 12: sixteen candles eleven good bands/artists 1: korn 2: adema 3: weezer 4: 311 5: andrew lloyd webber (composer) 6: danny elfman (composer) 7: THE BEATLES 8: the used 9: erm...lets do songs for the rest of this. stairway to heaven by led zeppelin. 10: california dreamin by the mamas and the papas 11: incense and peppermints by strawberry alarm clock ten things about you physically 1: brown hair 2: brown eyes 3: long hair, soon to be curly 4: 5'5 5: shoe size 7 1/2 6: 5 piercings (all ears) 7: long nails and toenails (i dont cut them. they wear off by themselves) 8: many scars, esp on feet. i go barefoot. and when i dont, i get lots of blisters because i wear sandals. 9: a sprinkle of freckles across the higher part of my cheeks/nose 10: my hair shall get longer. and longer. because im growing it out. nine good friends 1: kelsey 2: courtney 3: kait 4: cole 5: alek 6: sare 7: alex 8: madeline 9: kelsey i seem to have lost many of the friends that i made over the course of the last year. this saddens me immensely. eight favorite foods/ drinks 1: milkshakes 2: pizza 3: tacos 4: cheese bagels 5: almost anything else with cheese 6: stuffed penne 7: french fries 8: strawberry flavored carbonated water seven things you wear daily 1: watch 2: barefoot or sandals 3: underwear, der. 4: numerous necklaces and bracelets 5: my hair down 6: usually eyeliner 7: some kind of hemp/rope ankle bracelets six things that annoy you 1: viruses 2: different members of my family 3: when circumstances make things impossible 4: this country, i suppose. especially the education system. 5: WHEN PEOPLE ARE BLIND AND THEY CANT SEE WHAT IS SITTING RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEM. 6: ignorance. not being able to see the gray. when people think things are all in black and white. when people dont respect life. oh wow, i better just stop before i get going even more. when people have no idea what they are talking about yet they continue to talk about it anyway. when people act stupid to try to get people to like them. five things you touch everyday 1: some book 2: i pet my dogs every day. 3: some kind of eating utensil 4: my hairbrush 5: every morning i end up having to wake up and pull my shade down in a half daze because the sun shines right in on my face while im sleeping. four shows you watch 1: eh, i dont really watch tv. ill try to think of the shows that i end up watching the most. CMT IS ALWAYS ON AT MY HOUSE NOW THAT MY GMA IS HERE. and i LOVE it, since i dont like country music. 2: law and order 3: mtv at other peoples houses since my parents are worried about the decay of moral values in american society and assume that my brother and i have virgin ears, thus blocked mtv so as not to further corrupt us 4: the news. three people you have a crush on 1: ok, well this is dumb but im doing it anyway. ****** 2: hmmm 3: sort of that english guy, even though its stupid to two things you hate 1: see number 6 of six things that annoy you 2: restrictions. when im not in control of my life. one thing you love 1: life. my friends. oops, thats two. so sue me.