well, i got a small dose of nathan tonight. it made me feel a lot better, but im sure tonight it will be bad again. Nathan Andrew Carlstedt, when you get back i am holding you hostage and not letting you leave my sight ever again. I think its breaking my heart... but yes, i think most people can tell that i am in a better mood from talking to him. i got the used cd. the stupid store didnt have korn issues ONCE AGAIN, so i have to get that in a few days. im renting movies this weekend, a buncha new ones, i think ill have some people over. im thinking "thirteen"-to see what kind of bullshit it is "my boss's daughter"-saw it in theaters, hilariousness "mona lisa smile"-b/c i wanna see it "dickie roberts" saw that in theaters too, funny and im still waiting for scary movie 3 to come out in dvd, because i want to rent it. not many people understand how much i miss him. it burns, it makes me want to just go sleep all day, i miss him so much that it really hurts. and some people, when i tell them, will just be like aww, thats cute.OMGDIDYOUHEARABOUTSOANDSO? there arent words. im trying to find things to keep myself busy, off of the computer, otherwise i end up waiting for him to get on, and i know that isnt healthy. blah...im not going to mixers anymore, they are sounding more and more like whorefests, where the guys just go to use the girl. i dont want guys all over me when i go somewhere to dance, thanks. strange...i think he wants me in his arms right now. i feel that, or something...its too hard to explain GOSH DURNIT, IM OUT OF BLACK EYELINER now my eyes are going to look small hopefully i am going to start my garden this weekend. the problem is, that we have to get bricks put in. and im scared that the deer are going to eat my herbs, since we live by the woods. i swear, those deer better watchit. maybe ill put a fence around the garden even though its only about 3 by 5 feet. hehe this is going to be random thuoghts, because bygolly its my diary and i feel like it. i miss having so many piercings on my ears. they are just too durn hard to take care of. i wanna save up for a tattoo when i get a job, if i convince my mom that iron age is clean (which it is) then maybe she will let me. i feel like putting a picture of me up. its bad, but idontgiveafuck. i could be your shadow...please, can i be your shadow? well, im going to practice piano and then do the rest of my homework. so long. ______________________________________ im sitting here, listening to blue and yellow, and wishing i had hair that was a foot longer than it is, so it would flow down my back like a brown waterfall. [i might dye it darker, kelsey wants me too...] and wishing i was at the beach, looking up at the moon, asking why, with him. theres no point to life without why. how doesnt matter if there is no why. i only have one goal in life, and that is to break the barrier that keeps us from knowing why. i want to reach enlightenment, whether it is on my deathbed or not, but i want to know why the universe is here, because things dont just appear. i want to know it all, yes. i want to understand. my only goal. for all the little whys that fly around my head to have answers. goodnight...