there is so much to tell. bear with me. i hate being a teenager. i hate trying to find where i fit, what political party, what religion, what group of people. for example: ill never be able to find a candidate to vote for that believes the same as me. i believe in a smaller government, social welfare for long enough for the person to get a job, lower taxes, advancement of civil rights, less governemnt regulation, im supportive of guns, the death penalty...i have VERY radical beliefs on abortion, which im not going to share. it goes beyond feminism, by a lot...and by the way, I AM A FEMINIST. if that bothers you, fuck off. i always thought that feminism was thinking women are better than men or such. actually, it is defined by my history textbook as "the belief that women should have economic, political, and social equality with men." so yes, i am a feminist. but back to the beliefs...i am for seperation of church and state, for same-sex marriage, and for the protection of wildlife and the enviroment. well for anyone who is counting, thats about half democrat, half republican, and the rest radical unheard of stuff. [next subject] you are right...she has changed me. and if she doesnt change herself, im going to find it hard to be friends with her anymore. she has me worried about the things that aren't important, and not caring about the things that are. like kait said, what happened to that girl that didnt give a fuck what otehr people thought? what happened to that girl that could be heard saying "i dont care what my toenails look like. if someone is going to judge me by my toenails then i dont want to be friends with them anyway." what happened to that girl? that nobodymesses with me girl? she's still here. i promise. she is just burried under a mask of mascara, eyeliner, foundation, bronzer, powder, lipliner, blush, eyeshadow, and lipgloss. oh, and concealer. it works well, the concealer. no one can tell what im feeling anymore. i wanted to cry all last night, and do you know what escaped from my eyes? one tear from each eye. that is all. i wanted to cry all this morning because jake is leaving, and he really affected me last night, but more about that later. but i cant cry anymore. or laugh, or smile. i have to force it out. squeeze it out like the helium that i was forcing down my throat yesterday. that was funny...but i couldnt laugh. even when i want more than anything in the world to laugh or smile, i have to force out a fake sounding breathy laugh that doesnt get it out, or try to smile while my cheeks tremble and threaten to fall in on each other. i am so ashamed at some of the things i have thought in the last week or two. i caught myself yesterday thinking how wouldnt it be nicer to be pretty than smart? or how wouldnt it be nicer to be pretty than friendly? and wouldnt it be nicer to be skinny? hmm, i should go on a strict diet, under 500 calories a day, so i can get thinner. and i need to get my nails done. and file my toenails. pathetic, ignorant, stupid, DANGEROUS, and most of all, NOT ME!! it isnt like me at all!! not at all!! im so ashamed of some of my thoughts. look at that!!! look!! im going insane!! when i am around her, it is all compitition. she will get 20 guys dancing with her at a mixer and tell me its whats on the inside that counts. when im with her i feel like playing with her mind, i feel inadequate, fat, ugly, like i should give up on guys. and i hate it. i hate what i have become. this stupid numbness that wont seem to go away. i hate that when i smile i wonder if there is lipstick on my teeth. and i hate that for the first time in my life i worried about going out in the rain (i LOVE the rain! no matter what!) becaues i was afraid that it would mess up my hair. i hate it. im this shallow wreck of an intellectual. she controls us, you know. i know it doesnt sound like it. but she is so competitive with us it is almost like she flirts with who we like, she has to have EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING, not just a boyfriend. she pressures us to go places. first she uses guilt, tries to make us feel bad, then brags about how much fun she will have while we arent there. tells us she wants us to come, like it makes such a huge difference. dont get me wrong, it makes a difference. but like it overrules how we feel. last night neither her or i wanted to stay, but SHE did. because she met a guy with a girlfriend who she decided she must have. so we stayed until 11. her mom was picking us up, so we had no choice. its like she must have everyone and everything, regardless of anyone else's feelings...even her supposed best friends. i feel like im raggin on her. like im talking behind her back. but im not trying to be mean, she is hurting me, badly. and i need to let it out. i'm sorry. for everything. [nother section] living with my grandma is starting to open my eyes to mortality. i want to die before im 70. i dont want to reach the point where i cant do anything. i walked down the stairs today to find a big box of adult diapers in the hallway. i cant reach that point. i just cant. nother section. im going to have to sort the rest of my feelings out tomorrow. the ones about HER, my message to HER, the ones about jake. the ones about taylor. tomorrow. yeah.