I have learned a lot in the last two weeks. some have been things I have been glad to learn, while others have been painful realizations. I realized why I constantly feel empty, and torn between things. I analyze things a lot, I end up looking at the situation from a bird's eye view, wondering, If there is a God, what would he think about this? If there are aliens that are more advanced than our civilization, and they are watching, what do they think about this? I analyze things to normality, love is just the homosapian species wanting to survive, proxemics, dominance, money is power, popularity is power, anything that is a status symbol (car, house, money, clothes), power, dominance. All of this is going on in my head, 24/7, while at the same time as I tell myself that love is not important and is only necessary for the human race to survive, I wonder about my future husband, and where I will live. So while I look upon every human behavior as primitive and animal-like (uh, duh. humans=animals), every human emotion as stupidly instinctive and not special at all, I feel those emotions, and go through those behaviors. Its painful to be two different people at one time, and its painful to butcher your own behavior, to chop it into little pieces and put it on display in your mind. I could never be a psychologist, I would analyze things far too much (if I dont already). Unless certain circumstances come to play, I will probably be an alcoholic when I am older. Possibly by choice. I have a 75% chance of being one genetically, and a 99% chance of being one mentally. Has anyone ever seen the movie road trip? I feel like the pothead in that movie, that genius (I am not a genius, that isnt the point), sometimes I just want a break from analyzing everything, I just want to dance, I want to do things recklessly, I want to get fucked up on drugs and try to fly, I want to try something addictive, I want to matter. Maybe you will read about my death on the news someday. A 30 second spiel about some nobody girl who tried to soar, but found out that she was a seagull, and not the hawk she thought she was, and fell to her death. I believe a lot of these feelings are painfully normal. I think I have learned, that a lot of people feel this, but maybe not to the extent, or maybe they convince themselves otherwise. Humans are the most intelligent and powerful beings that exist, this is as good as it gets. I'm going to be a rich, powerful major league baseball player when I grow up, and I'm also going to be a movie star, be the first person on mars, own mansions in Paris, Honolulu, London, and Venice. Keep dreaming, world. I see it every day. It used to anger me, but it doesn't anymore, its just a bit sad. Thinking my username is maybe quite ironic? I dream. I'm going to marry my soulmate and live in Europe. And we are never going to get divorced. I just know that the above is possibly, and probably, never going to happen. I should never regret things. Things happen as they happen, I don't want to change the way they happened, no matter how bad things go. I don't know what could have happened with the other choice if it had been chosen, and it could have been worse, so there is no point wondering about what things should have been like, you don't know if its possible for them even to have been like that. I think that every person wants to matter. Otherwise, what is the point of living, yes? No one is free, except in their minds. The United States is not free, unless freedom is choosing from an array of lying politicians to make your choices for you. No one gets to choose the laws they want to live by, elected officials (dominance behavioral pattern) make them for us. I suppose all you patriots out there are going to ask, well, where else would you live? The United States is one of the most free countries in the world, but that doesn't mean we are free. I can't say whether or not I would move to another country, I've never been to one, except the Canada side of Niagra Falls, which doesn't count. For all I know, everything I've ever been told about other countries is not true. That is why I want to learn things for myself. I don't trust other people. Im sick of explaining stupid things that I have learned, so Ill just shut up and leave. _______________________ bright eyes...ive never heard them before today, but i want to hear more. i need money or parents that will risk getting sued for downloading music. i feel very sheltered. ___________________________ I know its long. I know no one is going to read this far. Its just getting so hard to look in from outside, while I'm inside at the same time. Damn that box. Follow the leader, I have no leader, I have no shepherd, I follow my mind. Shepherds are for sheep. The window is open, all the way. The wind is blowing through my hair. It tastes...like a storm is coming. I'll be glad if it does. Sneak out the window and dance in between the strikes of lightning, and let the thunder boom through my body, and breathe the rain. We dont have screens. A moth came in, I dont mind it, it just stays on the wall, thinking it is camoflauged with the light pink paint (someone has bad interior design skills, and it wasnt me), and the poor thing is very wrong. Its going to die. when I leave to go uptairs, it will find some light in my house to fry on. My little brother just told me to "take that star off your profile right now little girl". He has no idea what it is. I will just pretend i don't hear him. I do that a lot. I feel, so small. We are all so small. Humans are so insignificant, and no one can stand that. Nothing matters. therefor, everything matters. You don't really wish you were a kid again, you don't really want to be constantly happy. If you were constantly happy, you might as well be constantly in emotional agony. If there was no sad, there would be no happy. Nothing in here makes sense. My thoughts are just coursing through my fingertips and magically apearing on this screen. We didnt talk much today. With anyone else, i would have thought the end was near. I would have gotten freaked out. But i trust him. its my fault anyway. I'm not in much of a talkative mood. I would be a likely person to be in the dead poet's society, if it actually existed. I suck the marrow out of life. Not purposefully, i might add. It's tiring, but its me. *sigh* im not sure how much more i can take. i want to see that psychic, real or not. I want to lose my mind. I want to try some drug. Or get drunk off my ass. I want to be spontaneous, I want to learn guitar, I want to be able to play whatever i please on the piano. I want to write like I want to. I want to be one of those people who get on my nerves. all of those I's look like little 9s. The ones that are oblivious to what is going on around them, the ignorant ones, the ones that think their dreams will come true, the innocent ones, the ones that don't see the big picture, the ones that are content with being a toy. the ones that only care about clothes and money and boys. I was told, the other day, that it is harder to believe then not believe. I believe in things. Just not the things you do. He thought I was going to be a nun. I don't have near enough faith (never did) to devote my entire being to something that cannot be proven. I want a husband, anyway. I see the solution. I just don't feel like I want it right now. I'm going about life all wrong, but change is a fucking bitch. I'm trying to sleep while you are knocking on my door. Come back some other day. its harder to not believe because its wanting all the answers, instead of being satisfied without them. ________________________ its not like you think, the drug im addicted to. dont worry. i wont overdose. i cant die. nathan _________________________________ I disagree. It is not easier to not believe. It is harder. It is easier, to lie to yourself. I see it every day... Turns out I took the hard path anyway, bud. ___________________________________________ March Sunday Spring Break (lost track of time, no idea what the date is) 2004 Well. Part of me wishes that being left out hurt me. oops. Nope. Sure doesn't. i really don't give a fuck. _______________________________ Some people disgust me. *shudders* _________________________________ There is a man selling land on the moon for 20 dollars an acre. I am in awe.