i decided to be a sport, and put up the private entry. AN EDITED VERSION. it doesnt matter anyway, i dont feel that way so much anymore. god loves me, im not worthless to him, and thats all taht matters to me. there are people that love me. it makes me want to cry. _____________________ sometimes...i get this feeling, underneath my smile. i never felt like this until this year, and i HATE it. i feel worthless. i feel like an object. i feel like i was put on this earth for guys enjoyment, hey bitch, get married to me and bear my children, and while you are at it, make me a chicken pot pie. and dont forget a beer. NOW. (like, today at youth group, we were talking about how people dont always mean what they say, someone said somtehing about how women were really smart or something, and then some guy was like YEAH, NOW GO COOK ME MORE FOOD. its just like what i was talking about. i wanted to go up and smack him.) i feel like my life is a joke, i feel like guys act like im their equal and then, when no girls are around, they laugh about how stupid we all are, to believe that we could be their equals. i feel like they talk about how funny it is that we have to go through so much pain as a part of life (dont even ask, any girl reading this knows waht i am talking about) and that whole mixer-fuckfest thing, i was talking about how at mixers random guys just come up and smack girls butts or do other stuff, i mean we werent put here just for you all to use us, god. sometimes i think we are. even in the gospel of st. thomas it is like this. which i guess means it is like this in the bible too. (114) Simon Peter said to them, "Mary should leave us, for females are not worthy of life." Jesus said, "See, I am going to attract her to make her male so that she too might become a living spirit that resembles you males. For every female (element) that makes itself male will enter the kingdom of heaven." WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN??? i mean, did god intend for me to serve men my whole life? if thats the thing, ill give in....i hate this... _______________________________ alright. i sound crazy there. for real. maybe its the voice of reality, earthly reality anyway. under god, men and women are equal. the gospel of st. thomas is not in the bible. and i go by the bible. so i dont care waht it says. so there! im not a feminist. i just dont understand why guys cant just be guys, and girls cant just be girls. why is there all this when girls say, "do i look fat?" what they really mean is "TELL ME IM PRETTY OR YOU WILL REGRET IT FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE." and when guys say "i love you" they mean "WHEN CAN WE HAVE SEX?" i mean, yeah, i make fun of guys. not as a stereotypical kind of thing though, i make fun of individual guys, because some real assfucks seem to go to my school. why is there all this making fun of girls or guys as a whole? it really isnt funny, not to me...there are exceptions to every rule... no one takes me seriously. i told my parents that mr batcheller was saying sexist things and making me feel like i was worth less than guys and they told me i was blowing it up, that he was just kidding. well guess what mom, i dont care if he was kidding or not (he really wasnt) but its making me feel like shit. and i read her the (gasp) *unedited* version of the private entry and she pretty much said "yep, thats how it is." i dont like guys that dont take me seriously, or look/talk down on/to me. and i dont like girls that make guys act like this to all girls. i think we all know which ones im talking about. maybe this all stems from broken trust. maybe im feeling sorry for myself. i really dont care anymore, right now i just want to live for god. kelsey and i didnt feel god until after we talked with a lady at the church about it. and i still kind of feel it, that happy tears feeling. well, anyways, ill probably get some weird comments from this entry. oh well. and, im not saying guys treat girls like shit, im just saying a lot of them around here do. see, im a good girl. no stereotyping. wheres my prize? oh well.