so i'm 20 now. and just decided to look back at this old diary. i can't believe i wrote so much. lately i've been feeling so drained of my words, i feel as if i have nothing more to write about. so much has changed, all my friends are gone. i am living in a new city where i only know the people i work with. who don't even know me at all. i smoke weed everyday, and i do nothing about my weight or about my anxieties. i am basically in the same place i was emotionally, except now i have a boyfriend who drains whatever is left from me, and i won't let him go, for whatever reason, i don't know. i didn't finish school, and i don't even know how i can start now. it feels like i'm in too deep.

i've wasted so much time in my short life, i'm only 20 and already i feel as if i am stuck in the same rut i will always been in. and once my parents are gone, i will be institutionalized, cause really who can deal with me? my sister is a stranger, we had such a good relationship and now i've moved here and i barely see her anymore, and she's getting her life in order. my brother has been a stranger for years now, and his life is pretty perfect, he's going to be a doctor of physiotherapy and i can barely spell it for god's sakes. i feel sick to my stomach when i think about school, when i think about what i could be doing right now verus what i am doing.

i'm so completely fucked that i stay in this delusional world where chris and i are happy, and i am doing so well, and i don't care about school and i don't care that i have absolutely no friends. i have none. Giselle completely fucked me over and pawned me off because she didnt want to deal with me anymore, and used those fucking girls to secure it and make an excuse for it to happen, and then she has the audacity to act like i am in the wrong. i can never forget that.

every single childhood memory almost, that is worth remembering, she's involved somehow. how can she just move on and not give 2 fucks about the ten fucking years of friendship and following her around like a fucking doggy like i always did. then i find a boyfriend and he cares about me and hates how those 2 girls are, and that';s a recipe for disaster because i obviously care more for him than 2 girls who don't care at all about me, and giselle's surprised about that? like wtf

UGHHHHHH.

anyways, i think i'm back sitdiary. at least i hope so. because i can't bottle all this shit up anymore, i dont have the power or the energy to fake like everything okay.