Read only if you can handle an in depth look at my life... Dear Diary, My life is so disappointing. For years everything went according to plan, and then about two years ago it fell apart... I don't know who I am, I don't know where I'm going, I don't know how to fix it... "She says she's tired of life, she must be tired of something." I'm tired of everything... Tired of trying, tired of caring, tired of believing things will get better... Sigh... Where is the girl I once was??? My mom is mad at me. I would be too, if I were her. I was supposed to be the easy child, the one who did what she said, the one who was happy and smart and perfect like her... But I'm just another failure. I hate that my faith is so shaken... I feel so bitter, so jaded, so anguished that He could let something like this happen to me. I was doing what He wanted, and then He gave me this... Why are we given trials when He knows we will fail? Why do they tell me He loves me when I'm obviously not good enough for Him? My dad gave me a blessing tonight, but afterward I just burst out sobbing. I can't handle what He wants me to do, what everyone wants me to do. I'm sixteen years old. I'm just a little girl. How can He expect me to conquer an illness like this? I can't even conquer Algebra... I didn't mean to talk about all of this... I meant to talk about "safe" subjects; Jeremy and homecoming. But I just had to get it out... Anyway... I wish Jeremy liked me. I wish he loved me. I wish I was important to him... It was torture on Saturday. Some of the things he did... the way he looked at me... It was almost as if he did love me. But then he made sure to do things that showed he DIDN'T like me like that, just so I wouldn't get confused. Or maybe so I would... I wonder if I can name all the times that were special for me on the date... Well, he opened my door for me everytime, and I LOVED that. But that's just 'cause he's a gentleman. Um... OH, at Josh's he sang. IT WAS SO FREAKIN' HOTT!!!! He has a really good voice, and I could tell he was nervous. I just wanted to jump up and hug him! Especially when he would look at me while he sang... He looked at me more than anyone else... Sigh... Then he made it a point to be near me during dinner, while the other guys stood in the kitchen. Oh! And he kept trying to protect me from the giant spiders and Jerry and Jordan. He'd take my shoulders and pull me towards him so I would be "safe." It was so cute. And whenever we were all just standing around talking, he'd say to whoever was standing by me, "Go stand by your date so I can stand by mine!" I loved how he was possesive like that. One of the other things that made the whole date the most wonderful ever (and most sad) is that he would escort me EVERYWHERE. I mean, if we were walking five feet he'd escort me. So my hand was always on his arm, and we were always standing close together. It was WONDERFUL standing so close to him for so long... Even if he doesn't want to have a girlfriend and doesn't really talk to me all that much, maybe he feels a little bit of the physical attraction... Unfortunately, that won't help me much. He's too good of a guy to just go by physical attraction. He's such a wonderful guy... He's kind, gentle, smart, nice, loves kids, writes poetry and stories, is so innocent he's almost naiive, knows how to make a girl feel special, great sense of humor and knows how to have fun, very forgiving, cares about how you feel, loves his mom, is spiritual, sings, and just AMAZING! He's everything I've ever wanted in a guy... ~~I think I am falling more and more in serious "like" with him... But more and more I am determined to just be his friend, because I don't want to lose him like I almost lost him before... I never thought I would feel like that. I always figured that if a guy turned me down, there would be NO way I would still be his friend... But I will do everything I know how to keep Jeremy as my friend... I hope it works.~~ Wow. That was long. Anyway. I am REALLY grateful to Jeremy for making homecoming fun. He totally could have ignored me and flirted with other girls and not bothered being a gentleman, but he didn't do that. So I really enjoyed my first dance... YAY!!!! Neither of my sister's wanted to know how the dance went. I said it was fun and they were all, "good" and changed the subject back to them... It especially hurts with Sarah, because I always waited for her to get home to hear all about her dances... Sigh. My hair still looks hott from the dance. I wish I could keep it curly like this, but it'd be too much work for me, lol. Hair should never take more than five or ten minutes unless it's a special occasion. Mine took an hour and fifteen minutes to do for the dance, so that should tell you something! lol. jk. I need a good book to read... and maybe some food, too. I'm hungry! Oh, I lost my cell phone today. But I'm not too worried. I'm pretty sure it fell out of my pocket at our new house... WHICH by the way is almost done! In one month I will be out of this stupid tiny apartment and into a new, nice house! Yay! I need to get my stupid license. Then I won't be stuck at home with my parents all the time... "I am vindicated. I am selfish! I am wrong! I am right; I swear I'm right, I swear I knew it all along!" I love Dashboard Confessionals... I have a headache... I think I'm coming down with a cold. I can't stop sneezing. I should probably go to bed... Sigh. That's no fun at all... Love, Lisa Ann