dear diary, sometimes i wonder: am i crazy? We watched a movie tonight, called "Proof." It was really good. It's about this math genius who goes crazy, and his daughter who THINKS she's crazy but is really just a math genius. I liked it. i know i'm not crazy, exactly. just... different. or something. sometimes i feel like my whole life is... a lie. or a cover-up. everything i do i do despite the fact that i was --am?- seriously ill. it feels weird, going about your life as if nothing as happened, as if everything has always been normal. there is so much inside of me, so much grief and confusion and fear and disbelief. i wish i could just put this all behind me. i wish i could get all those feelings out for good. sometimes i remember those nights. those nights when i'd just cry and cry. or those nights when i wouldn't cry at all. they were scary. they were horrible. no one really knows what nights like those are like. i wish they did. i wish... i could help people understand. make them aware. i do see, though, how my whole life perspective has changed. sometimes it shows by getting mad at people who are just trying to be nice--like some comments i've been angry over on this. but other times it shows in a much... more productive way... i really think i understand people better. really see how everything can be fine on the outside, but no one knows what's going on inside. sometimes i'm able to feel more... empathetic towards people. whatever they're going through. because i've been to hell and back, and i know... i know that sometimes you just can't fake it. you just need help. i think that's what God had in mind for me. making me feel for others. of course, i still have a long ways to go. i get mad at people a lot for the same reason. when i hear people whining about some trivial detail of their life that they think is some huge deal. "oh, my brother is such a brat! oh, it's so hard because i can't be a cheerleader!" sometimes i want to shake those people. you think you have it bad? look where I'VE been. look at MY life. shut up and get over it. that, i think, is NOT what God had in mind. another thing that frustrates me is how... UNIMPORTANT depression is. how SECRET. no one talks about it. there are no guest speakers in health classes for it. there are no motivation assemblies about it. suicide, occasionally, but not DEPRESSION. did you know one in eight teens have depression? did you know one in FIFTY teens have anorexia? i don't know the statistics on cancer, but surely it's not much worse than depression. probably better. and yet... no one cares if you have depression. it has to be a secret and you have to feel ashamed because this stupid CHEMICAL in your brain is messing with you. how am i supposed to stop that? it's not my fault. but i don't get any get-well cards or anything. not that people don't care; some do. it's just... i don't know. it's different. depression doesn't make a person any less of a person. it's awful and horrible and they need help and support. from everyone. someday... i don't know when... but i'm going to write a book on depression. about a teenager who feels all the same things i felt. about the pain and the despair and the anger and the shame and the sadness. something in me tells me it's my DUTY to write this. i have to. i have to make people understand. i have to help people. i have to open the eyes of the world. if someone has a friend that's depressed i want them to go see them, talk to them, hug them. i want teachers to worry about them, send them cards, help them with homework. i want parents to have the support of THEIR friends while they're dealing with this horrible illness their child has. i want the world to ACCEPT and LOVE teenagers with depression. i'm going to have to do something about it. i just don't know what. anyway. those are my thoughts on depression. love, lisa ann