Dear Diary, I know, I haven't written in awhile. I'm sorry. I just haven't felt up to it. Haven't felt up to anything, really. My life is such a mess; I can't even put it into words. And THAT'S saying something. I've had two really bad nights in a row. Last night especially. I just kept telling my parents, "I want to die, I want to die, I want to die." Finally my dad gave me a blessing. The horrible feelings went away, but it scared me, because then I was left with nothing... I had no feelings, no thoughts, I just... was empty... The depression truly has taken me over. There's no life inside of me; I don't exist anymore. I look in the mirror, and I don't even know who I am... It's 11:11. I almost made a wish like usual, but then I couldn't think of anything to wish for... Nothing possibly attainable, at least. I didn't go to school today. I'm not sure why. I just slept instead. Oh--maybe because I ran out of my wakey-up medicine so I didn't take it this morning. I'm still really tired. But whatever. I have to walk to the transit center soon and ride the bus to my sister's house to help babysit... Whopee. Speaking of medicine. I'm supposed to be starting some new stuff soon, but my mom keeps forgetting to pick it up. And I'm supposed to be seeing a new therapist, but, again, my mom doesn't bother to make an appointment. This stuff is just another thing on her "To do" list, but to me, it makes a whole lot of difference... Sigh. Not like a new therapist and more drugs are gonna help. I'm pretty sure nothing will. But I would like to talk to someone, spill my guts without having to worry about them judging me. Someone at my ice cream from last night. Grrr. Maybe I'll call my mom and tell her that I'm just gonna go back to sleep... No, she won't let me. Not after the whole scene last night. My throat hurts. And I just spent three hours with my cousin, who's sick. Great. Just what I need. Well, I'm super tired and have nothing else to say anyway, so I'm gonna go. Love, Lisa Ann