Dear Diary i think it's National Let's Make Lisa Feel Bad About Herself Day! It started... with Morgan, I think. Well, and myself. She was telling me all about her relationship with Landon. Which I think is great! Really. I am SO happy for her. But, while I was talking to her I was talking to Bill... About how I'm still thinking about Jeremy... And it was just like... Morgan's got this great romance going, and I'm still stewing over this guy who dumped me months ago. No guy has liked me since. Well, Jeddi. But I don't know if he counts. (Morgan! See the P.S. immediatly!) Anyway. I just want that romance, that excitement, that caring, so BADLY. And it seems like it's never gonna happen. That thing with Jeremy must've been a fluke. He THOUGHT for awhile that I was pretty and fun and worthwhile, but then he learned the truth and got the heck out of there. I'm sure no guy will ever make THAT mistake again. It had never happened before that, and it hasn't happened since. I don't think it's going to. And I don't care if I'm only sixteen. It still depresses me. A lot. Next came my mom. She, for the billionth time, griped about how all i eat is JUNK FOOD. She told me again how with my genetics I'll probably end up gaining weight when i'm older and maybe having high cholesterol, so I shouldn't eat so much junk food now. And I just lost it. I mean, she's probably right. but i have SO much to worry about already without trying to find yummy, easy, HEALTHY food so that in five or ten or twenty years i'm skinny. Not like I'm skinny NOW. I already have a poor enough self esteem from being not that skinny, having depression, getting dumped, not having a boyfriend or many friends, and not being in school. And then with my mom telling me all the time that i'm going to get fat... UGH! I don't want to hear it! Just let me eat my junk food and live in relative peace! And just barely was Bill again. It was all me, really. But still. I still kinda almost have a tiny crush on him. Anyway. I couldn't think of anything to talk about, so I asked him about Missy... Not really the greatest thing for your self-esteem to hear how wonderful another girl is. She's pretty, fun, nice, an artist, athletic (runs cross country, something i've always thought would be fun), and did i mention he's loved her since 3rd grade? SIGH. she's like everything i'm not. Now we're talking about kissing... Not about US kissing, just kissing in general... Weird! I've never talked to a boy about kissing... he's never been kissed either... GAH I WANT MY FIRST KISS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WANT TO BE LOVED!!!!!!!!!! i want to be so so so happy again... If things continue for the next 100 days, 23 hours, and 46 minutes as they have been, i'm going to have my birthday cake inscribed, "Sweet Seventeen and Never Been Kissed." HA! that would be almost funny... 100 days until my birthday. 100 days until I'm 17. Wow. Well, it really isn't likely I get my first kiss while I'm 16... I don't know why this is so important to me. I guess I just want to feel... young and beautiful... sigh... i don't know... And now Bill isn't really talking to me... I think I said something that offended him... Well that's just GREAT. ugh. stupid stupid stupid. i feel so stupid and worthless and unloved. i just don't get it. i don't understand. gah. now i'm talking to cassie. and guess what we're talking about? cassie. cassie, cassie, cassie. i'm like sending really strong "i've had the most horrible day in the world" vibes and she's not picking them up. like, my name caption thing says "what a horrible day" and i have a pic of a sad faced stick figure. and just being completely unenthusiastic... we're still talking about cassie... i changed my pic to "i'm forced to fake a smile, a laugh everyday of my life." ... now "here i am, once again, i'm torn into pieces." ...STILL talking about cassie! this girl is so oblivious if it didn't hurt it'd be funny. well i'm sick of talking about cassie's problems. time to be mr. not nice girl.... in a second... grr i'm too nice. and she's too oblivious. OKAY THIS GIRL IS FREAKING DUMB. I said, "i've had a really hard day, so i think i'm gonna go find something to cheer me up." and she goes, "what will you do to cheer up?" WHO CARES? WHY DON'T YOU CHEER ME UP INSTEAD OF GOING ON YOUR OWN PROBLEMS??? AND NOW SHE'S TALKING ABOUT HERSELF AGAIN. Okay. Well. I "yelled" at her and got offline, then stormed into my mom's room to sob and scream my heart out. Cassie called my cell after a few minutes, and i wouldn't talk to her. My mom told her to call back. So finally I answered the cell and was just like, "yeah, i know you just weren't thinking. i know you're sorry. maybe you should call back tomorrow when i'm not so upset." And that was all. She just doesn't learn. She doesn't get that people NEED you to care about them. If you don't care about other people, you'll end up a lonely old maid with 40 cats. Except she doesn't like cats. So she should probably get a clue pretty soon, here, before she has to resort to goldfish. Now I'm just being weird. But I'm serious. This has been a freaking-awful-horrible-pathetic-depressing how-many-bad-things-can-happen-in-a-row day. AND I CAN'T EVEN EAT ICE CREAM TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER BECAUSE IT'LL MAKE ME FEEL FAT. Love, Lisa Ann P.S. Morgan I really do love you so so so so much and I love hearing your Landon stories because I know they make you happy and they make me happy too. They give me hope that someday something nice will happen like that to me. It was just me I was ticked off at. So I hope I didn't make you feel bad because I really truly love you.