Dear Diary, Babysat this morning... Stressful. Went to the library... Nothing good. Slept... Kylee, my niece, actually fell asleep! I was sooo tired but I was the only one available to watch her, so I decided we'd take a nap. Never mind that it was three hours earlier than her usual nap time. But the doll! She fell asleep within five minutes and didn't complain at all. Hooray! Went to our new house... Cold and boring. Listened to the radio... Sad songs about lost love. I wish I couldn't relate. Went to Young Women's... I felt like a guest who overstayed their welcome. Came home and had a good cry. Just sat down and bawled. My parents were like, "Whaaa...?" But it felt good. I needed it badly... Maybe I'll try it again tonight... Started new medicine today... I have no idea what I'm taking and how much and for what anymore... I just swallow what they give me. It makes them feel better; they seem to think that if I'm taking these meds or those meds, everything will be okay. It won't be okay, but I'll humor them. Why make them be miserable, too? I made my dad buy me lots of junk food... It's not healty, but I don't really care. It's too much effort to eat real food. I've been going back and forth, trying to decide whether or not to confront Jeremy and ask what happened to his feelings for me. Today I decided I'd just drop it. Nothing's going to change, and it won't help either of us move on... Not like he's having any trouble with that... "It's not so bad. You're only the best I ever had." That's exactly how I feel about Jeremy... Cassie and I were supposed to have fun today... We hung out, but didn't have fun. Kind of my fault. I wasn't in a good mood. I'm so selfish... I don't care about anyone else's problems and troubles. All I care about is me. I just want to wallow in my misery. Sigh... I should stop now. I should read my lame book or something before I start having "bad thoughts" and can't "promise to be safe," as my mom says. Oh well. Who cares? I just hate who I've become. I hate that I can't find anything inside of me that shows I resemblance to who I once was. I hate that I've changed so much--and all for the worse. I hate my life. I hate myself for hating my life. I've got so much, yet inside all I feel is emptiness. I can talk for thousands of hours. I can write for a million years. I can take handfuls of medicine. The only thing I can't do is have limitless faith. And the only thing that will never come is happiness. I think it's time for bed now. Sorry about my depressing entry. Maybe next time I'll have something more cheerful... or maybe the time after that... Love, Lisa Ann