dear diary, another not-so-great sunday. although it wasn't quite as bad because i sluffed sunday school and young women's. my mom wasn't happy, but what can you do? i'm really frustrated with my guy problems. and it's hard because i don't really have very many people who want to hear about it. i don't know if i like jeddi. the thing is... no i don't even KNOW what the thing is... and if it's really so hard to decide if you like them, do you really like them? i don't think so... i guess the thing is that i WANT to like him, mostly because he likes me. but i don't think i really do like him... and jeremy... oh, jeremy. what am i going to do about you? how could you break my heart so thouroughly? and why do you still feel bad about it? just because you're a nice guy? oh, jeremy... what happens when barbara goes home? your relationship can't last forever, and you may never see her again. so what happens then? my guess is you find a new girl... who will that new girl be? what if, for some odd reason, it's me? ...which brings up another question... IF jeremy thought about liking me again... would i take him back? part of me desperately wants to, but another part doesn't trust him. i still don't know why he broke up with me that first time. what if he did it again? i'd die. but then i've been thinking about him constantly for the past seven months. what if i never stop thinking about him? never stop dreaming about getting back together? although this is pointless because he's never gonna want me back. so it's pointless for me to even wish that he wished he could have me back. and then there's bill. my "brother" bill. i'd probably like him if he gave even the slightest indication of liking me... but he won't because of MISSY. his unofficial girlfriend. the girl he's loved for years... but bill is so nice and fun... sigh. and all these boys are great friends... what is WRONG with me? i need a boyfriend. one who does not even KNOW these boys. someone who would care about me, and who has a lot in common with me, and who loves talking to me, and who loves kissing me... lol... i'm almost freaking seventeen and i've never been kissed... i SO want to be kissed... to feel LOVED, to feel beautiful oh my gosh and my FAMILY. why is it such a sin in my family to be involved with a person of the opposite sex? unless you're over 21, i guess. THEN it's just GREAT. but until then, boys are FORBIDDEN... hmm... and that makes me want them all the more? could be... but i really don't get the antagonism we hold for boys. i know they're idiots. i know they break hearts (duh!). but isn't that what's fun about them? isn't that what being a girl is all about? my mom is the weirdest. she pretends to be all, "oh, so do you like any boys? you need to meet more boys! go date! have fun!" but the second i HAD a guy who was actually INTERESTED in me, she became all "watch out! this is horrible! don't steady date! don't get near boys! boys are evil! stop being evil! what the crap are you doing DATING???" sigh. it's frustrating, especially because that general attitude makes me uncomfortable to discuss anything boy-ish with my mom. though i want to, on occasion. maybe i should talk to sarah about that... anyway. well so that's basically it. my "love" life involves me being utterly confused. i just wish some guy would come into my life and sweep me off my feet. i'm thinking about going to SV... like... soon. just for like drama and maybe seminary and art or something... i don't know. i just... gah! i don't know anything! i keep trying to be friendly with cassie, but she's so freaking BUSY all the time... and then when she's NOT busy, she's hanging out with her sister or cousin or some other random person who's almost related to her... like saturday. she hung out with her cousin all day... no lisa for her... but seriously, cassie works two jobs, almost every day of the week. tha girl is going to work herself to death all for the purpose of going to nyc. okay seriously that's all for tonight. it's two a.m., and until i fall asleep, i'm going to spend every moment being extremely bored. gnight. love, lisa ann