11:58 PM 6/10/2006 "Too much silence can be misleading... And know that if I knew all the answers I would not hold them from you, you know all the things that I know..." --No Other Way, Jack Johnson Dear Diary, Today was TOO bad, I guess... Why does life have to be so hard? Some days I feel so empty, so bitter... On days like these, I wonder if maybe I should start taking my meds again. But I so don't want to. I just want to be OKAY. I can't stand being unhappy. And I hate the way I get-- so rude and cynical. My poor family. I really feel bad the way I treat them on days like this... I feel like I can't control the things that come out of my mouth, the way I look at them... It's awful. I really don't mean it. I want to be happy and I want them to be happy. When this dark feeling comes inside of me, I don't know what to do and I just flip... I want it out... I want to be okay... It doesn't make SENSE for me to be like this. I mean, for the most part I'm happy and I'm okay, right? Even today I was happy... until this evening when all of a sudden I was possesed by this... I dunno, depression I guess. So I should get on meds again because once and awhile I get depressed and upset? My mom would say yes. Merilyn would say no, probably.... I should probably go see her soon. I haven't talked to her in awhile... Anyway. I'm just so confused and I'm not sure what I should do. I've been pretty lonely, lately, which doesn't help matters either. It's been super hard having Cassie gone, and Teri Ann, too. Cassie is my all-around friend, and Teri Ann I just love to pieces. I know I can always count on them-- except, of course, when they go galavanting off across the country (which reminds me of something else I must say... in a minute.). I haven't been on MSN much either. It seems like most of the time when I get on, there's not really anyone to talk to... It's not like I'm completely without friends; I realize that. Jeremy actually CALLED me the other day. I almost fainted with shock. lol. It was nice. We talked for awhile... And I do talk to Morgan often! Yay! I actually hung out with Jessie on Friday night, which was fun, but also confusing... I kinda feel (and I could be completely wrong about this) like she's trying to replace Chelsey, and she's chosen me as her Potential New Best Friend...Which is flattering, and I really do love Jessie... But I'm not sure if we have what it takes to be Best Friends. She's so... GOOD. And I'm so, so, SO messed up. In so many ways... Anyway. Basically, I spent 98% of this past week either with my family, or by myself... Gross. This summer... sucks. Even though school is worse, at least you see your friends and are around tons of people all the time. That's nice. Or, better than seeing the same five people day after day. OH! BUT! I am now 70% sure that I'M GOING TO NEW YORK CITY IN JULY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My mom's been dodging around the subject, but today she told me that she and my dad are going to pray about it tomorrow, and if they feel right, I'll go. YES! And if I DO go, I have a... 45% chance of driving across the country with my sister! It'd be SO much fun... I better do some praying of my own that I'll be able to go... I really, really, really need this. I need SOMETHING to look forward to. Besides school starting again, of course. Anyway... I'm bored and depressed... so I'll probably go eat food... per usual... Love, Lisa Ann