i love this song.... shine on diamond eyes. it makes me think of... well... yeah. i dont understand stuff at the moment. well... less than every other moment. i feel so out of place in my life. it is weird. i know everyone feels like this sometimes, but i seldom feel so unlike myself that i feel like i'm the wrong person. they changed me. for better... for worse... i dont know. i guess for the worse. i hate changing. seldom is change good for ME... dad leaving, middle school, moving, jordan. he changed me probably more than anyone else. he opened me. he let everything come out. the good AND the bad. sometimes i want to be how i was before him. me... a different me. a me that i knew. so many things that i've stopped doing and saying since i moved here. people are different, and i guess nobody can expect to be exposed to different people and not change in some way. i wish i could close myself up again, but i can't. everything just keeps pouring out, like an overflowing box or leaky faucet. it drives me crazy sometimes to the point where i get dizzy and feel like i am floating above myself watching this fat girl beneath me pour her heart out and cry blood. at least that's how it feels... i am on a total self pity parade today, but i don't particularly care. i just... i wish i could have not changed for anyone. i didnt change FOR jordan. i changed after. i remember... in all of his notes where he said he felt... oh my god... nothing... i begged and pleaded with him not to hurt HIMSELF, and then i'm the one that did. i think it is sort of amusing,but sad at teh same time. i am so ashamed of all of that. i want to redo november and see how things would be. know how everything would have gone. do anything in my power to change it. maybe even redo october. there wasn't really anything bad then, but if i had stopped it, or stopped myself, who knows how i could be today? i wouldnt want to cover my left wrist. i might even still be with him, crazy as it sounds to me. i think i should stop now.