::::::::to think i might not see those eyes, makes it so hard not to cry. and as we say out long goodbyes i nearly do:::::::: spent the evening with more family... talking to liz always depresses the hell out of me. all she ever talks about is charles and all of her friends hating her and all those disasters and it makes me think about my own friends.... about how much crap happens. i hate only having jordan to compare to ashton and charles and people. but... its more than she has to compare i guess. we always talk like that. depress ourselves. but the carrots were good and the bullshit was fun. arjay talked to me via TM for a while. mostly about paul and storm and stuff. swung on the swings and liz swung me around in circles on this weird swing pole thing. closed my eyes and i felt like i had disappeared. julian was cute. oh my god oh my god! get the water bottle!! hes funny. but on the way home i popped in a mix. made the mistake of turning on RUN. now its all i feel like listening to. i feel so crappy right now it is unreal... want to cry really bad. i am trying to get myself sick of the song. to hate it. and in a way i do. it makes me think too much. i hate things that make me think and make me want to cry now. but run is just the kind of song to listen to when i feel like this... i want to go to sleep and then wake up and eat some more coffee icecream. i wish i could write decently... but... unfortunately i cant. well... goodnight....