June 13, 2005, Monday
Dear Journal,
today was boring mostly ntil about one-ish. ddint' do much at all really. watched TV as usual. ate and got online for a bit. i put last night'e entry on eyes2match. robyn is coming on thursday. so much stuff going on... I don't want to call paul tomorrow... but i am supposed to.. ugh. online around three. made a dedication on fuse. it didnt get on. oh well. talked to arjay. was going to get paul and go to her house bu t it was too fucking hot out. so i told arjay i'd come later. mom came home. tok me to arjays' around 6. jackie was over to. we wrote jordan a a note but decided we didnt want his dad reading it... and it sort of pissed me off a little. arjay called him from my phonea bout a million times... arjay is so mean to him a bit... took her the condoms she wanted. chattedin her room and listened to music. it was pretty good. jackie said some stuff that mademe uncomfortable. walked her home at 8 and talked about jordan shaking his butt. arjay an di were barefoot and took a long way back to her house. we talked about jordan and paul as no surprise. we want to do stuff at my house on friday again if we can. more "space" as arjay says. i guess... talked to her about how and why i like him and she talked about why/ how she likes paul too... she said "if paul and me start making out, i bet... jordna would make out with you! if you go " i feel uncomfortable... maybe we should make out" he would be all toohappy to oblige im sure." the only problem tere is that i'm a wuss.. not exactly arjay as far as doing stuff w/ guys goes. i told her that. i'm fine wiht making plans.. but when it comes to actually doing them... i freak out a bit. especially when it comes to jordan. not exactly bold... enogh to believe that i'd really say that. and, i REALLY want him to... like people would have no idea, i really want him to make out wiht me... really i do.. but i am just not suggestive and i'm weird that way. i'm ot sure. i want him emotionally... adn with my body... soemtiems i crave him... something about the way he is... to me at least... is just really attractive to me. and i really dont understand sometimes. like arjay said "there's a lot of stuff i dont like about him and a lot of things i likeD" and for me its there is stuff i dont like... but so much more tat i do... and i told her about lagoon.. that even though im not really around him allthe time.. but i hadnt seen him smile so much... and it is heartwarming in a way. his eyes... his lips... hands... hair even... god i dont know why iam drawn to him the way i am physically.. ajry made fun of him for having 'hot groin syndrome' and other stuff. she really is going to give him a condom. i spend useless hours ofmy life going through possible scenarios of what could happen... and one... rests on me pouring my heart out to him, and he jsut looks at me and says "cry for me" and i do... and then h ekisses away the tears and it gets better from there... but.... dammit. i wrote a long haiku poem called "a kiss" i am looking forward to thursday and friday so much in weird ways... tired... thoughtful... goodnight...
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