PRECURSOR WARNING///Today I feel like ranting and raving and reminising.///YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!! i still find it oddly amusing but really cool that on tuesday and wednesday i laughed and smiled as much as i did, and MEANT it too. it surprises the hell out of me. well, that and the fact, that, yeah, even though there were some really down moments on both days, all in all i was in a pretty damn good mood, and probably the best part about it was that it was because of jordan. ok, tuesday i was only around him for like 1 1/2-2 hours, but the WHOLE timei was laughing and smiling, thanks, mostly... to him (and he took his hat off to me. ow! ow! haha)and he wasn't poking fun at either of us. tasha was mainly talking to jake and parris... and since there were an uneven # of us, me and jordan and jake were sort of in our own little cliq. and the fact that he INTENTIONALLY squeezed himself in the one side next to me and laughed and went "oh god" the whole ride when he was getting wet wasnt bad either. he was a bit sad his hair didnt get wet, but the other four times w/ arjay that got fixed...another thing that made me happy was that he didnt flinch away or tell me not to when i touched him, like feeling how wet he was or when i grabbed his shoulders because he was walking ahead. i know its weird but for a while every time i touched him (excluding dance becasue he was one of the two boys that acutally held onto me... heehee)he would flinch away. like once we were walking home w/ nes and paul and arjay, and i bumped into him and he made sobby noises nad put his head down, then i patted his shoulder where i hit him adn he hissed and moved away from me. but oh well... that was.. a while ago... but still, walking aroudn with him at lagoon and having him be so sweet, and then the whole thing with trying to get my rubber duck from me, and chatting with me on the bus. i am getting less afraid to really talk to him. except when its "not him" online. wednesday... sure. at his house it was really weird. but he says that was because he felt "smothered"... i dunno. i do beleive that all they did in his room was talk about hte weapons because they both used the exact same words. except jordan added "etc" so... oh well must not htink about it. but at the carnival, and when we got him to come with us, he was nice and funny. i mean, i am a little sad/ hurt that he wouldnt kiss me, but when arjay held him down to make him kiss me, i know he could have gotten away and he didnt. he just sort of sat there twisting and half smiling at me. both times she yelled at ME to do it MYSELF, he didnt run away from me. he just sort of stood there close. maybe it was just me, but i think i did get a longer hug... oh well. wednesday night, EXCEPT theno kiss was really good. even the no kiss part wasnt even too bad. i didnt particularly want arjay to watch us kiss/take a picture of it, no matter how innocent it may have been. but in the car, i mean seriously, we almost held hands. this sounds so demented coming from me, but we did.... i mean, his hand was just sitting in the middle of the seat, and he wasnt paying attention to the fact that it ws there, and then the whole smling at me w/ the tear, i REALLY wonder what would have happened if arjay wasn't there. because even, after we got arjay dropped off at her house, jordan started talking alot more, to me AND my mom, it seemed like. but the next time i looked down at his hand, he had sort of moved it back to him... but as he left he did the deer/headlights thing. yes... he is dear...lol...i have it stuck in my head. he really did look kindof like a deer, and his eyes were so BIG. those gorgeous blue eyes that suck me into them... sigh. but i just have it stuck in my head, him standing there bent over, staring in through the windshield at both of us and smiling when she turned the lights on high. there was just something really sweet/touching/happy about it. but, i dont know if HE'S ever going to be on AIM, so i guess... iwill wait. i need to apologize to him too about the left side of the back seat. i didnt notice how uncomfortable it was. well. i think i am done now. i so wish i could talk to him.. but... i dunno....