Sunday, June 12, 2005 11:22 P.M.
PRIDE DAY!!!
Dear Journal,
indeed interesting. went to dees and it was pouring rain. people loved our shirts and the waitress was really really nice. what is it about southerners?(she was from georgia) made it downtown and parked. we were in front of the morgue, but joanie called mom and we went and found them and watched the parade from just up the street. liz and i took pictures of the sexxxy gay boys dancing shirtless and nearly bottomless adn got condoms. muahahhahaa. wealked down to library plaza eric found two friends and strider. one of the friends thought strider was hot, and was sad that he was straight. he started yelling. it ws funny. got wristbands and went in. wandered a little bit. wrote bad things about meth on a table cloth. bought RHPS(rocky horror picture show for those of you who are sad and pathetic)on dvd. found hutchings. wandered w/ lizzy. played dildo ring toss and won condoms on necklaces. sex trivia and bought wristband things and almonds for mom and joan. mom sent me and liz to seven eleven to get money and people probably thought me and liz were lesbians. which is all good. got back, drank and talked and toasted in the sun. wandered more. bought rings and stuff... MORE condoms from the trivia ppl. glitter, matches and lubricant too.... burned my finger. i got pretty rings and psycho bobble head suction pens. got a picture taken and four new wristbands. yay!so superficial. Dad adn eric left. sadness. liz saw necco... i saw hannah... ew. went home so hot tired and sore. went to seve got nachos and blender. it is cool. OLD picture of billie joe in it muahhaha. came home , ate and watched RHPS. haha got online and talked to arjay. one of the deeper... more painful conversations to me... i cried again... it is getting easier for me to cry. it comes esaier anyway... i made themistake of telling arjay i cried. thinking of kisses... pretty much think about jordan at all anymore and i breakdown. want to hang with ar on firday. want jordan. as i looked in my mirror at myself i decided i NEEDED a shower. a thought occurred to me... i am hiding... from everyone.. iwth my hair... my hoody... myself... i am hidden. i dont know who i am anymore at all. i washed my hair well. cried alot. tears and sunburn do not go well together. but w/ sunburn nobody can tell you cried. talking to arjay... about wanting jordan emotionally and physically and i told her... she didnt say nythig n mean... just htings jordan did... for her.. but in a way it doesnt seem like much of a compliment to her...about the poems ("drowning in your own pity, you don't care")i got special things too... the convo though... "he meant it when he said it" yeah well he might have sounded like it. because he sure sounded like he meant it when he said he loved me EVERY GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING MINUTE. that set of the tears again... it hurt it did. hm... but she also said she thinks he didnt lie to me. he lied to me about lying ot me... that he really did love me. i told her, i'd be happy w/ a friendship. but part of me would always be wanting more... i miss him so much sometimes. it always hurts... i wish i could begin fresh, blank emotionally. but i'm still afraid taht i would fall in love wiht him all over again. inseparable... unavoidable... i feel so stupid. i want aloneness with him. she says i should have doen something on the last day. "i could have had him" but there were too many people aournd. i dont wanteveryone knowing. i just want happiness. i want to feel like i did when i was with him... be with him again. i wish i could remember all of what she said on fridaynight/saturday morning when we sat in my room talking about them. i want to just be... happy. plain and simple. there was so much there... there still is a bit. arjay says she sees it. she has confidence in us happening agian. it breaks my heart and makes me smile too. that is just what he does himself. smile so much laugh like i'm not myself recently... but i cry inside because i want his arms around me.. his lips locked with mine... is soul pouring out beautiful words again. sometimes i dont even feel like a real person anymore. i feel like some weird half-filled shell or some box with crazy things inside that's been put on some high, unreachable shelf. i feel so jumbled and confused in a million ways. and... now the tears are coming back. i feel them in my eyes. if for once more in my life i could jsut have him hold me tight while i cry on his shoulder, hold him back like i want to and let EVERYTHING out to him... at htat moment i think my mind would be in a state of near ecstasy. it is so sad that a person can have this affect on me. i never wanted to let anyone have this kind of control over how i feel. my hand hurts and i am really sleepy. i fear sleep though. i both do and do not want to dream of jordan... more... more though.