i really need to stop this... all of the bad things i do. all of them. but it seems so impossible. i want to ask her about it... oh god and she has the nerve to go to me on monday when we were talking about him after i go "he still likes you"..."he does???" and get this totally shitfaced confused wtf look on her face. but then... that was sunday... so unless this is all bullshit this week (which... if it is... they are both phenomenal actors) things have definitely changed. but then there's nils and his whole story.... wallakwalla: hey SquirrelWraithe: hi wallakwalla: so what did nils see? i asked you both times you were on before and never got an answer... SquirrelWraithe: he didnt see anything wallakwalla: ok SquirrelWraithe: i pushed jordan up against a tree and we saw nils wallakwalla: okey dokey but nils keeps insisting he saw her and jordan making out (tongue and all)on monday by his house... and she keeps saying it wasn't... but then today he started talking about it and they start talking about her regretting doing it in the first place and shit and nils goes to her if you werent doing that what were you doing? and she goes regretful things... and then nils says im so sure... and even though you are supposed to trust your friends...i don't believe her... i dont believe her at all. because... you know... they both werent at pegasette.. and they sat by eachother in the library. i am so angry at her. and you know... wiht it all... she's not even really my friend. i want to hit her. i really really do. something needs to be done to injure them. i have never been so psychotic over a guy before in my whole fucking life. it is weird. how i want him to be miserable and wouldnt miss him at all if he were gone... but at the same time... i still want him to hate arjay and come back to me. but today they were "fighting" and of course, since i am arjays friend he must hate me too. not that he doesnt all on his own... i am just in excruciating pain at the moment... mainly mental.. and i want the physical pain to balance it.. but unfortunately i have the GT banquet tonight and i hoodies arent allowed... and i dont really want to wear anything long sleeved... so besides what i inflicted upon myself there is pretty much nothing i can do to ease it before then. tasha's idea was good... scratching your arm until it bled.. but it works better with hitting it as hard as you can with your knuckles. then you can leave bruises. i think arjay is ignoring me now. oh well she is being evil. if jordan gets on i am going to tell him all of the bull shit times i talked to him was her doing. everything. even "showing up" at the school. and at the moment... they are probably somewhere making out under a tree. i'd love to find them and scare the shit out of them.. and have a real reason to hate her. i want to be able to hate her so much. i need to dig. i need to be the worlds shittiest(er) friend and find what i want. it is always suspicous when its' four o'clock and neither of them have been on yet... and with nils' story... god... why can't i not care? why can't i just not care about anything? life would be so much easier. life is n't supposed to be easy anyway... but it is soooooooo hard right now. oh wow lookit arjay's on. should only be a matter of time before jordan arrives.