oh my god... i wrote this really saddish sweet happy poem on saturday or something... about wanting to be 8 again... and now it is gone. completely gone... no... it was so beautiful to me. ah, well, i suppose i cannot change it now. i think i'm going to put in arjay's half of our conversation from last night. i still want her to email it to me, but i dont know if she even keeps stuff on her archives anymore... line space to separate teh messages heres the IM convo first: ******************************************************* i called him but he wouldnt tell me how much he wanted or talk at all. it just sat there silent and i said "dont you hate awkward silences" and he didnt nope he jus sat there silent at me when he talked he sounded... pist. i didnt say anything then after a little while he said "i have to go bye" yeah but hopefully he will go with us to dye yeah. jordan breaks my heart, i miss him being bagel yeah i see bagel occasionally in his eyes when he's not a horny bastard and not pist off im sorry for you. he always wants more htan friendship from me when he wants anything to do with me usually anymore. but paul is so nice and oesnt look at me as if i'm just a fuck toy. cool. i like him alot but i'm scared that he might chagne too if something happens. so friday will be the 1st and then i'll wait a while for a 2nd you're luckky lol. all emotion went bye bye after the first time he kissed me with openness of mouth. thanks about paul. i lik ehim but... complicated yeah you guys have chemistry, but one time he told me we had chemistry and i dont like using "chemistry" but there is a chance that maybe he will go back out with you again if you really want him to. he told meonce that hel iked it more when i lookedmore on the goth side of spoookykid than the punk side of spookykid. so be more goth i guess to catch his attention again... like goth physically he might. he is obvioulslynot interested in me anymore except for a quick way to..er...yeah. and im not willing ot be his object. and he acts like he likes you better and the way he looks at you has gone back to how it was when you first started going out... not QUITE but very close to it.. yeah you're lucky lol. i rarely see/talk to paul but yesterday was fun and sad in a way how does he look at me? like a puppy dog? that would be wierd. i see him looking at me alot but i cant tell HOW he looks at me. oh maybe i should just pay more attention to how he looks at me then how i feel about him when i am around. is it obvious that i like him withthe way i look at him? ok as long as i'm not giving off looks. lol. remember im supposed to be h-core jk. i just dot want to be an idiot over a boy that's all. oh lol. yeah i didnt think i would either. when i first met him i was like "immature worse than poseur"but now i actually have fun when he's around yeah paul makes me lighten up a lot mor einside my head bcause i generally keep my laidbackness when i'm with meople but in my head i scream but he has heppled me lighten up a lot... like during/after my cutting they live close together. paul says that jordan is a dick to me and that he always gets mad at jordan and paul sometimes chewedhim out in front of me but the seem to spend alot of time together and youre right about them not really being like eachotheras far as i know which is another thing that makes me nervous about being with him and doing things with him because i dont want thim to end up like jordan. yeah good point so are you gonna call paul TOMORROW? if you do, tell him i say it will be FRIDAY afternoon/night and not THURSDAY yeah eh i dont like jordan much at all anymore but you alwayas made him alot nicer after he started being uptight. i dont know. i like before you went out he started changing then you guys went out and he was kewl again until he read the note... yeah he told e that he was changing for a little while on the outside but htat he would still feel the same about me and now look at us. he can barely stand to be around me. an dhe told me that he only "loved" me once when he told me so unless I changed, he never did. anyways i g2g call paul tomorrow and stuff ************************************************* some parts made me a little sad obviously... but... waht made me saddest was remembering it... how like he just talked to me and i could just stare into his beautiful eyes and be lost... all the times he told me he loved me... which was basically one of the three MAIN things he said to me ("i love you""You are beautiful""that was... amazing")it hurts me inside to think about it but i like to at the same time. sometime s i hope that by any stretch of the imagination it might happen again... friday will be... definitely an important day.. god i miss him.... god... i love him...