i actually feel "whimpy" but that's not there motards. well... so he apparently hates her, at least that's what she says. i SOOOOOOO see the hate. well... i kindof do. in dance, justin hit him in the nuts... ow... (lemme kiss it better omg) but sorta... hahahahlmfao. and... i do feel sortof bad for the thing, because he looked at me and went "laugh at me." why? "embarrassing moments.. two star moments" and i really want to talk to him about it... but here i am- quarter to four, arjay IS ungrounded, and i feel uncomfortable because neither of them have arrived yet. i want to talk to him so bad. HEY!!!!!!!!!! she's here!!!. well, i will finish later- well long story short she got a pony from him and mutilated it to make it cooler to her and she kissed him and it pissed him off relaly bad and i am fucking sick and tired of lying to eveyrone. **************************************************** SquirrelWraithe: he is an ass wallakwalla: what's he done now? SquirrelWraithe: on the bus he was trying to cut his arm with a plastic knife and paul said "if youre trying to hurt yourself thats not gonna work" and i said "yeah if you want to do damage a razor or boxcutter would work better" he said "you'd know" and he was just assholey as ALWAYS SquirrelWraithe: paul walked me home, as always wallakwalla: oh- good for paul walking you home SquirrelWraithe: i never thought i would be able to purely hate someone with no other emotions mixed in wallakwalla: so its pure HATE now....? SquirrelWraithe: im pretty sure wallakwalla: oh... SquirrelWraithe: ? wallakwalla: huh? SquirrelWraithe: "oh..." SquirrelWraithe: i wish he would get on...' wallakwalla: i know. SquirrelWraithe: i can tell him that his feelings are now reciprocated wallakwalla: nothing was meant by it i just hit "..." wallakwalla: i like that word... SquirrelWraithe: o. can u call him n tell him you have a convo he might want? SquirrelWraithe: but DONT GIVE HIM THIS MESSAGE OR THE ONE BEFORE IT wallakwalla: i can... SquirrelWraithe: wILL you SquirrelWraithe: and we can start new? but im going invisible SquirrelWraithe signed off at 3:51:26 PM. wallakwalla: start new...? SquirrelWraithe: like start a new convo SquirrelWraithe: im on invisible SquirrelWraithe: r u there wallakwalla: yeah im here SquirrelWraithe: can we start a new convo and will you call him SquirrelWraithe: we are making you appear like the good trustworthy one SquirrelWraithe: wallakwalla: ok.. (lol) if/when i call him- what should i say exactly- since it's your idea, i want to follow SquirrelWraithe: say "uh... i have a convo you might want...'' SquirrelWraithe: but lets start a new convo wallakwalla: k... wallakwalla: if he asks why would i want it? SquirrelWraithe: like to copy and paste SquirrelWraithe: say "it involoves you" SquirrelWraithe: say "it hurts more not knowing" SquirrelWraithe: "silence breaks the heart" wallakwalla: kay... wallakwalla: lol wallakwalla: we should have some sstuff before i call. so that when he gets on i can have some stuff to put SquirrelWraithe: ok ready to start new? SquirrelWraithe: yea i know SquirrelWraithe: ready? wallakwalla: yeah SquirrelWraithe: hey... SquirrelWraithe: how r u today wallakwalla: im ok SquirrelWraithe: thats good. wallakwalla: you? SquirrelWraithe: better one of us than none of us SquirrelWraithe: and i'll leave it at that wallakwalla: why...? SquirrelWraithe: problems with jordan STILL wallakwalla: ok... SquirrelWraithe: i TRY to fix it but it just seems to get worse you know? wallakwalla: sort of, yeah... wallakwalla: what has he done now? SquirrelWraithe: and when he gave me the pony, i thought (and other ppl) that it waqs sort of a "peace offering" but it turns out he thought it was mine to begin with... wallakwalla: ok why is that bad SquirrelWraithe: well its all the same stuff as from... the week before last (i think that was when) SquirrelWraithe: because i REALLY TRULY think he hates me SquirrelWraithe: and, although i never thought it possible, i might hate him SquirrelWraithe: and i have almost NO negative feelings for ANYONE wallakwalla: oh. wallakwalla: did he do something on the bus or on the way home or something? SquirrelWraithe: yeah something/ hes just been really mean. SquirrelWraithe: everyone asks me why, and i can explain WHY he's mean now. other than im annoying and i "bore" him wallakwalla: so why is he mean wallakwalla: in your opinion? SquirrelWraithe: because on... two wednesdays ago i think, he was messing with my fatness and he KNOWs i hate it, and paul said "dude she looks like shes going to murder you if you dont stop" and i said "yeah..." and he didnt stop, so i bit him. he got all pissy and tried to leavfe but i wouldnt let him. and god knows hes kept ME from getting home many times, and hurt me many times, but he just cannot stand to recieve anything even remotely similar to what he does to other people back to himself SquirrelWraithe: and anyways, no one really knows WHY he is mean to me now... but paul says that there is this one guy that is friends with paul that wants to mess jordan up for being mean and hurting me and stuff SquirrelWraithe: and i dont necessarily WANT jordan to get beat up.. but... im not the deciding factor either wallakwalla: ouch. okay SquirrelWraithe: and he is just.... so different from the one that i liked when i actually admitted to you about the stuff///and liking him wallakwalla: yeah... i know he's changed alot this year SquirrelWraithe: coz u kno how good of friends we WERE and i still CARE about him, but really i care about EVERYONE and i dont like violence... but i really think i probably hate him wallakwalla: i'm sorry wallakwalla: that really sucks SquirrelWraithe: yeah... i hate feeling hatred SquirrelWraithe: it sounds lame... but yeah. wallakwalla: no i understand SquirrelWraithe: and he says his parents dont want him around me, well my parents dont want me around him either... but i dont listen SquirrelWraithe: but maybe i should/will. wallakwalla: i hate not being able to sometimes... SquirrelWraithe: paul walked me home tho. SquirrelWraithe: which made it sort of better wallakwalla: what do you mean? SquirrelWraithe: he just walked me home SquirrelWraithe: hes really cool thats all wallakwalla: no by that you should listen to your parents? SquirrelWraithe: o. i should stay away from him probably... it might help the "emotional" scars wallakwalla: well summers coming it might help... SquirrelWraithe: but yea, lots of people really want to mess him up for the way he acts in general... and its not like "o hes a poseur lets go bangkok him" its like "fuck that get your wrenches and beat the shit out of him" SquirrelWraithe: i dont WANT him to get hurt SquirrelWraithe: because he was my friend wallakwalla: i dont want him to be hurt either... SquirrelWraithe: and i dont like people in general getting hirt SquirrelWraithe: i already made joel not do anything before joel got sent away/// wallakwalla: neither do i. wallakwalla: joel... joel is just weird. SquirrelWraithe: and i feel like an ass for listening to jordan about joel SquirrelWraithe: yes, joel was creepy and all... but all jordan wanted was for joel to not be around me. jordan didnt care about my health. he cared about making joel miserable wallakwalla: oh SquirrelWraithe: and if only you knew what they said to eachother... a lot about me... wallakwalla: oh wallakwalla: well we didnt get his permission so. eh SquirrelWraithe: and so i told joel to just stay away from me because he was causing problems in my friendships. welll joel was heartbroken or something, and went and got drunk and stoned and ten his foster parents found him in his basement... and then they sent him away./ SquirrelWraithe: yeah i know we didnt get his permission wallakwalla: oh- i'm sorry.. SquirrelWraithe: i didnt love joel... SquirrelWraithe: so the loss of joel isnt as heartbreaking as losing jordan as my friend SquirrelWraithe: jordan was one of the best friends i ever had SquirrelWraithe: at one point in time anyways... wallakwalla: yeah. mine too, at least he acted like it. SquirrelWraithe: (emphasis WAS) SquirrelWraithe: im sorry SquirrelWraithe: i guess we were just stupid, me for even after seeing how he treated you... going and doing what i did SquirrelWraithe: maybe i was desperate. wallakwalla: and me for... well believing SquirrelWraithe: i dont know how i feel about him anymore, or how i felt... because looking back.... i KNEW the whole time he would hurt me... deep in the back of my mind wallakwalla: i was a little surprised. SquirrelWraithe: all boys hurt you to some degree or another... just some hurt you more wallakwalla: after all the times you'd told me no and how i shouldn't bother anymore SquirrelWraithe: WHY CANT HE JUST BE LIKE MATT!? AND JUST... SquirrelWraithe: I DONT KNOW BUT MATT DIDNT HURT ME SquirrelWraithe: i mean, if jordan had just been lying to me the whole time it would be a lot easier to handle than just being the way he is now... i dont know.... i would rather have been hated the WHOLE time than... this wallakwalla: i'd at least have liked to KNOW he was lying when he was. so hard not to beleive... SquirrelWraithe: id rather be told he was lying the whole time... if only we could trade places wallakwalla: no you dont want to trade places with me. SquirrelWraithe: i mean some of the emails from him ( i found more) wallakwalla: oh SquirrelWraithe: i DO because if he was lying to me the whole time i would feel better wallakwalla: in all reality, if we traded places not much would be different... SquirrelWraithe: oh well.i have waited,i will still wait. On 4/29/05, ArJay Smith wrote: > hello. how are you? i am ok. about the park... i wasn't expecting you to > say you love me so soon already... i mean after the whole week... i was > just sort of shocked you know? and you asking me was surprising too. i didnt > know what to say... SquirrelWraithe: read my thing first, then the top line wallakwalla: but i don't tink you'd wantto be me. you wouldn't want to feel like i do after 6 mos. wallakwalla: ok- is the top one his or yours SquirrelWraithe: holy crap! i found the EMAIL FROM HIS DAD SquirrelWraithe: i wouldnt feel that way. the bottom is mine wallakwalla: oh wallakwalla: the email from his dad about the online diary SquirrelWraithe: er yeah wallakwalla: hwats the er for SquirrelWraithe: just er SquirrelWraithe: "Hey Arjay, you and Jordan were friends, at least that was my understanding" fropm his dad wallakwalla: oh SquirrelWraithe: wow... this is really creepy to me SquirrelWraithe: ive got all these old messages... SquirrelWraithe: some of them make me wanna cry wallakwalla: ok where did they pop up from? wallakwalla: understandable wallakwalla: he makes me want to cry sometimes e.o.s SquirrelWraithe: i found them and realized i had more than one page in my folder wallakwalla: oh SquirrelWraithe: and so i ahve LOTS of stuff wallakwalla: oh SquirrelWraithe: ArJay Smith wrote: i called him but there was a bunch of people at his house so he asked me to call back tomorrow. it was weird because his dad gave him the phone and said "tell arjay we/you (not sure which) you love her" i was like "...." SquirrelWraithe: that was to you wallakwalla: i knoe wallakwalla: i remember that SquirrelWraithe: IM SO CONFUSED ABOUT HIM wallakwalla: sory wallakwalla: not the only one you know SquirrelWraithe: still SquirrelWraithe: I HATE THESE EMAILS wallakwalla: HTEN DONT LOOK AT THEM SquirrelWraithe: THEY MAKE THE NEGATIVE FEELINGS HURT wallakwalla: I DONT LOOK AT THEM OR THE NOTES I HAVE FROM HIM SquirrelWraithe: I CANT NOT LOOK wallakwalla: then look. SquirrelWraithe: i AM wallakwalla: i figured SquirrelWraithe: n he should just kill me wallakwalla: i thougt he already hd SquirrelWraithe: emotionally mostly SquirrelWraithe: the nerves were never completely severed so it hurt wallakwalla: oh SquirrelWraithe: hmph wallakwalla: i cant truly say i have sympathy for you. i do in a way, but listenign to you doesnt help me either... we're hopeless talking to eachothera bout him. wallakwalla: no offense. SquirrelWraithe: o well SquirrelWraithe: he makes me have negative feelings. which is bad for me wallakwalla: i understand. SquirrelWraithe: brb wallakwalla: for every up there's a down. SquirrelWraithe: brb wallakwalla: OK wallakwalla: sorry caps were at liz SquirrelWraithe: sok wallakwalla: just like with you every ounce of anything good that i feel for him makes me feel bad or angry at the same time SquirrelWraithe: you dont have to worry about me being mad at your feelings for him wallakwalla: i know i dont. it's me being mad at me at my feelings for him wallakwalla: they shouldn't be there, and yet, they are. SquirrelWraithe: maybe we should be like him and pretend to be all h-to-the-core and not feeling anything.... i would rather be emo tho wallakwalla: sometimes, i like to feel SquirrelWraithe: yea SquirrelWraithe: i like "love" and "friendship" and "happy" but not "hate" and stuff wallakwalla: i dont like anger or pity SquirrelWraithe: me neither wallakwalla: which is the majority of my feelings- i mean,like/love are there too, but yeah wallakwalla: i envy him sometimes for apparently feeling nothing SquirrelWraithe: meh. well, down inside whether he feels it now or not, its there... and he'll keep it forever... and it will hurt more and more as time goes on. even if it doesnt now SquirrelWraithe: thats how it was for me... why always be happy when i can let my emotions out when i have them instead of when im alone or just BLOWING UP and hurting little animals wallakwalla: whats deep inside of him? SquirrelWraithe: his feelings wallakwalla: right. wallakwalla: he is human after all. and whether they want to or not, we feel wallakwalla: and WE feel/felt for him. SquirrelWraithe: ya wallakwalla: i know. SquirrelWraithe: the emails are making it worse SquirrelWraithe: im getting to more recent old things wallakwalla: its weird tho... i mean you've told me that he was the first guy you felt for like you did, and he was the first guy i felt for like i did, and he's had about the same effect on us both. wallakwalla: if i want to make myself angry at myself, i go read myjournal from oct 4-nov 9 SquirrelWraithe: yeah... but i think he knows that telling me he lied would make it better... so IF he did lie, and he wants to make me hurt, he never will tell me wallakwalla: so with you he DID feel? or at least that's waht he tells you? SquirrelWraithe: he said he did SquirrelWraithe: HES ON wallakwalla: lol wallakwalla: yeah SquirrelWraithe: dont tell him wallakwalla: what...? SquirrelWraithe: just...dont SquirrelWraithe: bye