there is just some little psychotic part of my brain that still likes him. the same part that makes me see his face when i close my eyes... feel the warmth of his arms, his lips... that makes me smile when he does one of his stupid little jokes or "call me betty", that made my heart wrench with pain when arjay told me "they'd done more". i mean after making out, HOW FUCKING MUCH MORE IS THERE TO DO? I THINK OF VERY FEW THINGS... that makes my stomach sink into a bottommless pit when a kiss comes back to me, that makes me want to cry remembering all the things he said to me... all those goddamned lies... the part that lets me see myself with him in the future, and goddammnit... i hate myself for it. someone tells you your life doesnt matter, you should fucking hate them. WHY CAN'T I THEN? just.... why can't i forget? why must i be tortured by my mind? Why do i even care? WHY WHY WHY? i am just completely and utterly insane... that is it... i am an obsessive ex... i loved him so much. he was the first person not in my family that i TRULY loved... to the point of tears. my first REAL kiss... my first french kiss... but not my first broken heart. so i can't say the first cut is the deepest... because this is MUCH deeper. he seemed so wonderful. not perfect, but so amazing. and then it all went to shit. he tells me he lied about it ALL- even though it came from him on IM, arjay was there too in the midst of the conversation, and it was pretty much just before the peak of their "relationship" or whatever to call it. and in all that he said to me... how much he said it..the things he said.....those two three word sentences... i mean... it is pretty hard not to believe that someone loves you when they tell you at least once every five minutes. he told me i was beautiful, and hot and even though i knew pretty well those were lies... maybe someone did think i was pretty. even if it was... he made me feel beautiful. we talked about so much.....there was so much chemistry.....we have/had so many things in common... and to try and completely disregard it. i CUT myself because i was afraid of losing him even though that is why I eventually did... that is how much he meant to me. it seemed like he really cared, but he just goes " i would have let you kill yourslef but i didnt want that karma on my head" HOW CAN YOU SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT?????? i am torn inside myself. i know i should hate him. i know i should want to kill him and scald my skin any time he touches me. but then why do i still care? why is his face still in my memory? why do any time i smell that oh so familiar stale cigarette smell do i no longer think of family but remember him and my eyes begin to water? WHY DO I ASK SO MANY QUESTIONS AND WHY DOES IT EVEN FUCKING MATTER? HOW CAN I BE SO DILUTED THAT I CAN'T SHAKE THOSE MEMORIES FROM MY HEAD? W H Y C A N ' T I F O R G E T ? about what we had in common- brown hair blue eyes, love to write/ read, little evil brothers, strange parents (but who doesnt?), black hoody wearers, and so much more that isnt really explainable. nothing gross or perverted... but there was such chemistry. something wrong got added. and now he is sourish to both me and arjay. and he is hurting us both. he has no idea how good he hurts people. oh the only other thing i can really say we had in common, at least in words that were exchanged on his part- we loved eachother. at least i thought. i did. but he says he never did. it cuts me in two. it really does. and now that i have wasted all of this time on this meaningless shit... i need to stop. it is not good for me to dwell on it. it is not good for me to think the things i do or do the things i do. serious help is needed... but it will be gotten nowhere as long as nothing can be fixed bewteen us...