Last night.... I fell. Harder than I ever wanted to... I broke. Something inside of me... I couldn't face another night of crying myself to sleep all alone... I'd been thinking about it a while, and I pushed a pin through my skin. It didn't hurt until I tried to break through the other side. But it hurt and I smiled... It bled and I felt happy... I had to write about it... in the poem book... in my journal... "that was a good one.. i'm fucking floating. pain. alot of it. you can see/feel the bump but only the hole because of the blood. i'm shaking... tired now... my left arm tingles like crazy... I'm shaking so bad. It hasn't been like this for a while...I want to sleep... I want my mommy" As I wrote that my mind went to that place that horrifies me.. that someday no matter what happens in life... I'm going to die. Everythign I've ever done will be for naught. Nothing will matter. That shook me up so bad... I started crying... And I couldn't just sit alone and be okay again.... I went to my mommy. I cried while she held me... I told her I think I need to talk to someone... I told her tiny pieces of whats in my mind... I wrote a poem type thing... Crying in my mommy's arms so many questions to be asked So many things I want to say I need help Mommy, I don't want to die, Mommy, I'm afraid. I dont want to tell my daddy. I don't want him to be ashamed... Will this really stop the hurt? Is it possible to be fixed? Step by step I suppose NO more crying all alone. No more bleeding just to feel. Crying in my mommy's arms... In time, perhaps, I'll heal. 45 minutes she held me while I cried. I felt so bad. I just wanted to say "i'm sorry" over and over and over and over and over. "it's so hard to say that" say what? "that I need help..." sweetheart I know, but it takes a very strong person to realize that. that set me off again. If i were strong would I hurt myself or resort to violence? If I'm so strong, why do I feel like giving up? my blanet was soaked with tears. she told me to nag her, nag her until she yells at me... yell at dad about it... so that he'll yell at her. SHe felt so bad we never got me help before... before when she KNEW about it. daddy didn't know about it before... he asked about the cuts and i had to lie to him... I don't want to have to tell him... "he doesn't know me" she was quiet a moment... even sometimes... i feel like I don't "its because I push people away." you shouldn't... "I know I shouldn't." She got quiet again for a minute. I listened to our breathing and tried to calm myself down.I know... it's easier to push people away, than to let them in and get hurt. I thought......... that's exactly it. She toldme to take some ibuprofen and go to sleep... I didn't even manage to fall asleep for a long time. the last time I looked at the clock it was 12:27... and I don't know how long after it was that I fell asleep.. I kept waking up. I had dreams. About HER. She tried to smile and be my friend... amazingly I snubbed her off. I dreamt I had a razorblade... I wish i did. I woke up.... tossed and turned for an hour but never went back to sleep. at 6:00 on the button she woke me up. "what do you want for breakfast sweetie?" While she was getting my icecream... i pulled out my mirror and looked at myself... my eyes are puffy... swolen. opening them to where it hurts, they still look half closed... my cheeks are still slightly pink. they hurt when i touch them. My nose is runny. I think I'm getting sick. I took the carton back out to the kitchen and sat in my room until 6:40... trying to stay awake. I'm exhausted.. I feel like shit, look like shit... and I need a day. I didn't want to go to school. I walked down the hall to their room and asked. Mommy? can i stay home today? she said yes barely after I finished... I went back into my room, turned the light off, and got back into bed. Iris joined me. My nurse kitty knows when I need her. Mom came in and asked if I wanted her to stay home. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO. I won't do this again. I felt like crying... I asked her to stay home with me in 7th grade... I can't do that again... "are you going to be alright by yourself?" yes... I promise. "okay. I love you... see you later." I fell back asleep... I woke up 1/2 hour ago. My mind feels incapable of comprehending what I did last night... I want to eat... and sleep more... blow off everything... but I don't want to go back to that... I felt cried out last night, but here I am, tears dripping down my cheeks. If I've taken a step towards the better, why does it seem like I'm at the bottom? why does it feel like I'm drowning in all of this? I should be proud of myself... but I'm not. I want my mommy to come back now. EDIT ... I didn't expect that to happen so quickly.. am I ready for this?