only dreaming awoken with a soft kiss a warm smile in golden sunshine turning to a familiar face ice blue eyes soft brown hair happiness in the simplest things hands locked a sweet caress pure bliss enstilled two words uttered "i love"... the sunshine fades away into the darkness waking with a smile i was only dreaming. 6/24/05 ******************* ??? silently dropping tears holding hte source of relief knoing guilt will follow courage mounts a simple slice pain shoots through arm blood trickles satisfyingly tears keep falling, finding blood ************* pleading eyes begging for a sign of affection, meaning. the child who hides intheshadows, afraid of who they are of what the others will think. dressed in tattered black. head to toe in dark dark rags deep blue eyes shining forlornly hoping for a cent of acceptance this child in the darkenss cast outward from capable hands unloved no purpose to their life eating sraps from dumpsters doingwhat they can to make it on their own hoping for soeone to love one day. hoping life may just be a dream 6/24/05 *************** FIREWORKS shimmering golden rain faling from smoky sky sblackness behind a contrast wih the flash of this fire screaming, fizzing faling to earth merely sparks anymore as i watch, i am reminded of a time when we made fireworks of our own. 6/25/05 ************** i'm as fragile as you when it comes to emotion ************ THE BAND: the men are dressed in black red ties, blue eyes midnight hair and fingernails walking toward thousands of screams anticipating the thrill guitar in hand, ready to shreik waiting to make another killing 62505 ********** overwhelming too many thoughts to keep track of htem all too many things in my head too much time to sit and dwell on them. too much time to care its overwhelming sometimes to be mixed up confusing me more. to the brink of exhaustion. needing to erase the good, the bad, the anything to make me see just htat much clearer 62805 ********** so sweet how revoltingly beautiful those intoxicating blue eyes that single tear a trail across your cheek so long ago so far away nearly a different person yet strangely familiar balance of present and past enough to make me weep 7-02-05 ************* a piece of me, of my life forever missing because of you drawn so near, then flung away landing with cuts and bruises too afraid to stand back up too afraid to be knoccked down again. afraid to let go 7205 ********** i wish i could see that light in hyour eyes that flashing on your face i want to see how you see i want to feel as you feel i want to revover what was lost between us. i wish it would burn again. pain is inevitable love is luck. i used to feel so lucky with you. this poem is stupid. 7605 **************** the casket arrives draped in roses sharp thorns and ribbon the lid is closed family members weep conversing of memories to forget sitting in a corner the dark dreamer holds a pen feverishly sketching seeing the true beauty in this morbid scene careful attention to the bloodred roses shy smile spreads the dead bestowed a gift to her for she has seen what needed tucked safely away in a handstitched bag the picture remains, just as the grave 7705 *********** i feel bad for smileing, for drawing the foffin it was so beautiful i dreamed of its contents somber, frightening even yet breathtakingly beautiful 7705 ************* pallbearer the glove is heavy on hand grasping firmly the casket brass mirrored guilt reflected in mind fear for biding corpes in wood blessed and intered final farewell is said a dear beloved one... of the pallbearer... dead. 7805 *********** turned around by so many people a greiving family gathering new faces, old faces surrounded by unknowns desperately wanting to leave home seems a far cry from teh crowded patio huigs and kisses and tears exchanged terrifyingly out of place searching fora familiar face trying to avoid the teary drunk turning away from powdered nose memoirs standard security near refreshments no help boxed in a dusty corner by two women never seen a cooler at foot... tempting to drink bleary gasps of relief when told departure is near scarcely saying goodbye seeking refuge in familiarity eyes closed... try to forget. 7805 ***************** i think i hate you it makes me feel better it is all i've ever wanted what ive needed for so logn betrayed an lied to paranoia became my life the pain if elt at truth. i fucking hate you. 7905 ************** who hurt me? they did who lied to me? they did who still lies she does who kills me? he does what's going on? only they know why does it matter to me? paranoia 7905 *************** HATRED i feel like an almost empty shell the sounds from my radio reverberate throung me trapped in this hollow me. th eonly think i know if eel is haterd. there might be more to it, but this is what i readily know. the paranoia started it, confusion made it worse the lies pushed me to the edge. now i just feel like nothing. i am nothign. worhtless. not enough to care about. i dont want to hate you , but its all i can help to do anymore. to hate. 71005 ********* a hollow shell confused and alone not sure what i feel looking for true friends trying to find myself being so good gring so had but only finding more chaos 71205 *********** take my hand lead me somewhere quiet somewhere safe. somewhere where i will be kept and sane. made to forget. the hard to believe life is easy. but one little thing never feels right. something deep inside is horribly wrong. a longging to feel that pain again. to hurt despite life's covered simplicities 71205 SC:drenchedinthesatinfeelofblood ********** i feel like i'm going to explode too many thigns in my mind but it feels like fucking nothing i can't tstand the pain of it all pounding and throbbing my head feels so full yet so empty. 71305 ************** lying still int he bathroom tile and body crimson red nothign left to let go life so unbearable took the easy way out drenched... covered... pleased pulled awya from reality in a mind less state of calm unkownig hte horrors ahead tears flow from dead eyes. 71305 ************* silly crush wondrous summer a new school with so few friends findng mr perfect what an ass. foudn someone else to take his place. life is candy coated sweet 71405 ************************* ************************* ************************* i know they all suck... but its all i've been able to do lately. there is hardly any inspiration left in me. i am gone. just completely empty.