Okay, things really must have gone worse than i thought on monday. because as im sitting in the bathtub, i look at the little string i tied my drain plug so the furry demons wouldnt steal it an piss on it and ther is a safety pin stuck through it. with papa roach in my background with "done with you" on, i took that safety pin and i made little holes in both my knees. like, i sort of peirced the skin. on my right knee i did that then pulled it out and broke the skin on top hoping it would bleed more. on the other one, i dont know whether it was becuase i was subconciously not wanting to or because the skin was really strong, but i couldnt get the pin out the same way. i tried a bunch of times. what is funny is that the left knee bled more. i get this insane comfort in seeing my own blood. except when it comes from my head. because then people see it and go oh my fucking god what is the matter w/ her? but like on my left hand/wrist area, i would just sit after i did it and squeeze it as long as i could to get as much blood as possible out of it. before when i did it though, it was with the little nail clippers i have. because it pinches and then hurts and then it is numb and just there to clip off and let it bleed. holy shit i cannot believe iam writint this down. this belongs in my journal journal not here for the world to see. just sos ya knows i dont need no fucking intervention ppls. i aint gonna kill mahself.release. not the best... but when i am feeling unpoetic...