I've got paperized written stuff to put in here... Monday, May 16–Advisory Goddammit I wish she’d make up her mind. Wonder what’s changed since yesterday at six... wow. God I don’t understand why it makes me so mad... she got this OMFG look on her face and goes “I’m your friend. I’m going to help you pass out papers” but she was too busy doing whatever it was that she was doing with Jordan in his advisory to notice that I was done and leaving. Well I wasn’t about to waste my time because she is fickle/flaky, so I left. And I only slightly care if I hurt her feelings. I know... she doesn’t “need” anything else to deal with... but... you know..? Neither do I. So if hse even cares she’ll call me on it or write me a note. But if she doesn’t...big fricken wha. I will just get to be treated like shit by TWO people. But whatever. It’s no t like I matter... right? She wouldn’t have gotten points for it anyway. There is much logic behind me... in a weird illogical way. And the paper is berly fucked up anyway. It wasn’t supposed to say “everyone including my ex saw me fall” but it does. And the pool page got rearranged. I don’t like this. I’ve got a really bad teary twitch in my eye... god. Yay! Now even w/o ArJay’s help Jordan will hate me. Whose fault is that now? Partially mine... partially ArJay’s, partially Johnston’s... and of course Jordan...even though nothing is EVER his fault. It’s just totally fucking impossible. And I didn’t even put the”denied love” cheez tart question in. But of course he will think I did... and Jordan’s not going to pegasette. I’d bet money. He’s going to go home and get online and talk to ArJay. He probably responded to her emails.... and was very nice about it... probably tried to pull a “how could I possibly not care? I still love YOU” shit trick. Because that is what he does. Then by Wednesday... probably... something will get fucked up AGAIN and I’ll have to listen to them AGAIN... listen to her complain about how much she hates him and he disgusts her AGAIN. But for today and tomorrow it will be all “oh I’m not sure” but shit... that was a mistake walking out of his advisory like that... and ignoring her lik I did... on the Jordan side of it. But you know? I ‘m getting really VERY sick of forcing myself into this crap. As shown by the two lovely new red infected things on my arm... but then again like I said, it’s not like ME of all people matter- right Jordan? ArJay? MOM? Okay.. I’m not going to drag her into my shitty morning. The only thing she’s done is merely acknowledge my self-destructiveness. But yep... that’s IT. So I’ll probably bee spending my afternoon with Daniel and Nes... doing mindless worthless shit. Oh joy. BIG FUCKING JOY!!!. While Jordan and ArJay sneak off to the park and... whatever... I NEED to stop now. Stop everything. Every feeling, emotion, every ounce of I give a shit. Every part of me that feels or thinks or wants to cry needs to be cut out of me. Badly. _______________________Journalism okay... or not. I was minorly ridiculed by jordan in dance for “publicizing” him in the cheeze tart and EM. But ha-ha. He yelled at me and os I pulled out my newspaper and looked at it then started to laugh hysterically. And told Kayla and Amber about it. So now they have more of a reason to laugh their asses off when they get to the “stinky” end. I don’t think it smells bad though. Just them. Also, I had to explain to jordan that everything written there was written shortly after spring break, when I was very very angry at him, so yeah. Haha arjay lied to him about pegasette being over so he said he was planning on coming even though arjay can’t. :). At least I thin he is he said he was planning to- and I don’t know the end of what she wrote to hi. But hopefully he will still come. Very hopefully for me. Still so much to do for it. Perhaps I will get lucky and something can be like last year... and yeah... when I was the first to sign his year book... because he bugged me about it and shook a pen in my face when I passed them out. And everything... ArJay says she’s still nuts for paul. And like she said it would be pretyt hard to maintain a relationship with her current home situation.. But if it weren’t for the fact that my mom’d freak out on me, I’d offer to let her borrow my cell so she can call him and talk to him like she wants. And... I personally think that it would be cool if she got w/ paul again... and then me and Jordan...during the summer? How fun could/would that be? Going to movies... swimming, just walking... or wahtever. Oops got carried away there. But still... I wonder if and when Monroe’s carnival is. Hum. Ours is may 27. Definitely looking forward to it. Wonder if I will be able to pass out to his class again. Hee hee. Well I dunno about it, but I just need to jot down that my day doesn’t totally suck ass like I thought it would... Arjay and I walked past Kinikini’s room twice and arjay whispered in the door “I love you paul” and waved at him. The second time he waved back. Go arjay. She wrote jordan a note on my journal paper.. Haha. I should just happen to let him see it randomly sometimes... I am so evilly spiteful. Muahaha. ___________________Pegasette they make me feel like a fucking IDIOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and ii sod id NOT need to hear Nils talk about the tree. I’d love to know if his grandma really is sick or wahtever. One good thing in a way I guess... she’s grounded... so she must go straight home. But who knows about it anymore? I do sort of wonder if the fact that he’s not here isn’t partially her fault and all or her doing or w/e. things even if they are denied are... undeniable... sometimes... grr. I feel like such a retard for getting my hopes up. Oh well. Will probably leave early. ************************************************************* SquirrelWraithe: no choredan? wallakwalla: nope SquirrelWraithe: haha wallakwalla: why? SquirrelWraithe: i thi nk he blocked me anyways wallakwalla: oh... whY? SquirrelWraithe: i said that when i can drive, i would hit him. then he said "when i drive" ad i cut him off and said "you wont have a car" then he said "sometimes i would rather walk in traffic and posibly get hit by a car then deal with you" and i said "sometimes i would rather have a bullet in my head than look at you" SquirrelWraithe: on the buis today wallakwalla: lovely wallakwalla: vewwy nice. lol SquirrelWraithe: you should call him wallakwalla: and say...? SquirrelWraithe: "u should sign on. arjay is on for a couple minutes and she wants to tell you something but cannot use the phone" wallakwalla: ok... wallakwalla: what do you want to tell him SquirrelWraithe: stuff wallakwalla: ok........ SquirrelWraithe: i will give you the convo maybewallakwalla: i dont want to call him SquirrelWraithe: fine then wallakwalla: i just dont. sorry. SquirrelWraithe: i want to talk about you to him wallakwalla: i hate calling his house. wallakwalla: um... ok... good things or bad things SquirrelWraithe: good SquirrelWraithe: remember you want hinm wallakwalla: yeah i know SquirrelWraithe: exactly and if i do it at school he will be defensiv SquirrelWraithe: e wallakwalla: why would he be at school? SquirrelWraithe: IF I TALK TO HJIM AT SCHOOL HE WILL BE DEFENSIVE wallakwalla: ok... i dont understand why he would be but ok SquirrelWraithe: w/e SquirrelWraithe: i need to talk to him and i cannot use the phone wallakwalla: i understand SquirrelWraithe: so yes SquirrelWraithe: no one else is on o ask SquirrelWraithe: but whatee wallakwalla: ok wallakwalla: how long have you got? SquirrelWraithe: uh... a few minutes... about 10 wallakwalla: if i call him and you DO talk to him about me... i do sort of want the rest... but i dont care if i get it. i'd just like what is said about me... wallakwalla: you know how i am about calling him. SquirrelWraithe: ok SquirrelWraithe: i know wallakwalla: ::strangle:: wallakwalla: i hate sitting here with my phone and not being able to press the green button. it is so pathetic. SquirrelWraithe: ok SquirrelWraithe: have you yet? wallakwalla: he says "father says no" SquirrelWraithe: w/e SquirrelWraithe: it says you are offline did you block me wallakwalla: I'M SERIOUS!! wallakwalla: no i ddint block youSquirrelWraithe: w/e at him wallakwalla: i went invisible SquirrelWraithe: how do you do that wallakwalla: do you see the little eye? SquirrelWraithe: no wallakwalla: do you HAVE the little eye? SquirrelWraithe: yes SquirrelWraithe: i see it SquirrelWraithe signed off at 4:22:18 PM. wallakwalla: click it and it closes SquirrelWraithe: hahaha SquirrelWraithe signed on at 4:22:41 PM. SquirrelWraithe signed off at 4:22:42 PM. wallakwalla: yeah sometimes it bothers me that it stares at me SquirrelWraithe signed on at 4:22:45 PM. SquirrelWraithe signed off at 4:22:46 PM. SquirrelWraithe: ok SquirrelWraithe: sometimes i hate him so much wallakwalla: jordan was dumb. he answered the phone and went "jordan isn't here at the moment it depends on who is calling" wallakwalla: i'm sorry. SquirrelWraithe: o SquirrelWraithe: he thought it was me huh? wallakwalla: i dont know. i said "um.. it sarah calling with a message from arjay" wallakwalla: i wonder if we do sound alike on the phone... SquirrelWraithe: dont kno wallakwalla: me either. will have to ask him perhaps SquirrelWraithe: ok.. wallakwalla: i think paul was there... SquirrelWraithe: ok SquirrelWraithe: i should call and ask for paul wallakwalla: you should haha SquirrelWraithe: well i g2g... toodaloo wallakwalla: ok bye wallakwalla: ttyl wallakwalla: bring money for food