I should die.

by eyes2match on May 13th 2005, 12:00AM

Listening to: none

Feeling: dead

OK... WHY SHOULD I DIE? BECAUSE LATELY ARJAY HAS BEEN HATING JORDAN. AND I WANT HER TO CONTINUE DOING SO. I NEED TO STOP DOING THIS. I NEED TO FIND SOMETHING FUCKING BETTER TO DO WITH MY PISS POOR LIFE. BUT IF SHE IS TELLING THE TRUTH... I WON'T HAVE TO REALLY WORRY ABOUT THEM... BECAUSE SHE'S GROUNDED... YESTERDAY HE WAS SO NICE. GOD WHY DO I WANT HIM? I AM READY TO CRY... PARTIALLY BECAUSE I READ. I WAS REALLY SORT OF HOPING THAT THIS WOULDN'T GET SORTED OUT... BUT UNFORTUNATELY... IT LOOKS AS IF IT WILL BE... AND EVERYTHING WILL BE RUINED AGIAN. I WANT TO CRY. I WANT HIM TO SEE ME CRY. I WISH I WERE BOLD ENOUGH TO TELL THEM WHAT I DO... BUT I'M NOT... SO I JUST KEEP DOING IT AND KILLING MYSELF. AND FOR SOME SICK DEMENTED REASON... I WON'T STOP. I LOVE HIM... I AM ADMITTING NOW THAT I AM OBSESSED. BUT... YESTERDAY AND WEDNESDAY HE WAS SO... I THOUGTH HE WAS SO CLOSE TO IT... TO SOMETHING GOOD... AND YET I CAN STILL BARELY TALK TO HIM AT ALL... HE READS THEM BUT HE DOESN'T REPLY. IF SHE GETS BACK ON LATER SHE'S GETTING INTERROGATED. I SWEAR IT TO GOD. OH WAIT! WHAT GOD? I SHOULD HAVE HUGGED HIM. I'M NOT GOING TO DO ANYMORE FAVORS FOR HER. I CAN'T STAND THE STRESS IT PUTS TO ME... IT MAKES ME NAUSEOUS, AND MY EYES BEGIN TO STING LIKE THEY DO NOW. BUT LATELY I'VE HAD PROBLEMS CRYING... PERHAPS IT IS TIME TO BRING OUT MY CLIPPERS AGAIN... SOMETHING TO NUMB ME. SOMETHING TO HELP IT. I WISH HE'D DO SOMETHIGN THAT WOULD(SHOULD) MAKE IT ABSOLUTELY AND COMPLETELY IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO LIKE HIM LET ALONE LOVE HIM... LIFE WOULD BE SO MUCH EASIER. IF IT IS ALL JUST NOTHING... I WANT TO KNOW WHY EVERY TIME HE TALKS TO ME LIKE HE DID YESTERDAY... AND TODAY AFTER SIXTH... AND HE OBEYED ME... SOMETIMES I REALLY DO FEEL SOMETHING THERE... EVEN IF IT IS JUST TINY... I KNOW SOMETHIGN IS THERE ALL THE SAME. AND I WISH I COULD ASK HIM. BUT SINCE... ARJAY IS KIND OF NOT TALKING TO HIM... AND I KNOW I'D NEVER DO IT, I'M SOL. BUT LATELY THIGNS HAVE BEEN RATHER GOOD... HE'S BEEN FRIENDLY TO ME. I JUST REALLY DON'T WANT TO TAKE THE RISK OF FUCKING THAT UP AGAIN. HE WAS SUCH A GOOD FRIEND... AND I WAS AN IDIOT FOR TRYING TO MAKE IT MORE. I WISH I COULD HAVE HIM AS A FRIEND LIKE HE WAS WHEN WE WERE TOGETHER... BUT NOT... I DONT WANT THERE TO BE THAT RISK OF EVERYTHING BEING BURNT DOWN, BUT I WANT HIM. I WANT HIM TO HOLD ME WHILE I CRY. I WANT TO BEABLE TO SAY I LOVE YOU AND NOT BE ASHAMED. I WANT... AGAIN... TO HAVE A REAL REASON TO BE HAPPY. MORE THAN ANYTHING... THAT IS WHAT I WANT. I CANNOT CONTINUE TO GO THROUGH MY LIFE LIVING LIKE I AM HAPPY WHEN AT ANY MOMENT IN THE DAY IT WOULD BE ALL TO SIMPLE TO BREAK DOWNAND CRY. AFTER ALL HE'S DONE TO HURT... BOTH ME AND ARJAY.. THE SHEER FACT THAT HE'S NOW DONE IT TO TWO PEOPLE JUST MAKES ME WANT TO KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME! YESTERDAY WE'D BEEN APART FOR SIX MONTHS... TODAY AT LUNCH ARJAY TALKED TO ME- "AT LEAST HE TOLD ON YOURS. HE'S KNOWN ABOUT MINE FOR MONTHS, AND HE'S NEVER SEEMED TO CARE." AND SHE SWEARS TO ME THAT HE EMAILED AND WALKED IN AND TOLD THEM ABOUT ME... AND YET I NEVER GOT CALLED ON IT. NOT ONCE. IT'S WHEN ARJAY SAYS THINGS LIKE THAT THAT JUST MAKE ME WANT TO CRY AND RUN TO HIM AND HUG HIM. AND ASK HIM IF WHAT SHE SAYS IS TRUE... IF THAT'S ALL I EVER GET TO DO.. IF THAT IS THE MOST WE WOULD EVER BE ABLE TO DO AGAIN... I WANT HIM TO SEE ME CRY. I WANT TO TELL HIM ALL OF WHAT HAS BEEN WRITTEN. I NEED TO TELL HIM ABOUT ALL THE LIES I'VE TOLD HIM FROM ARJAY'S MIND. I CAN'T DO IT NOW. BETRAYAL IS THE LAST THING I CAN DO TO HER AT THE MOMENT UNTIL I KNOW THINGS FOR SURE. I JUST MIGHT END UP ASKING HIM. FOR PERSONAL SANITY. I AM GREEDY. THERE ARE SO MANY THINGS I WANT TO MAKE MY LIFE A LITTLE EASIER/SIMPLER/BETTER AND YET... I LOOK BACK AND WONDER HOW MANY I REALLY NEED. I KNOW I DONT NEED JORDAN... BUT I WANT HIM SO MUCH IT FEELS LIKE I DO. HE IS LIKE AN ADDICTION. I LEANED ON HIM... HE LET ME FALL.. AND IN A WAY.. I FEEL LIKE HE ACTUALLY DID TRY TO CATCH ME AND HELP ME BACK UP... BUT I'M NOT SURE. PERHAPS I AM JUST LAYING AT HIS FEET, BEGGING HIM FOR RECOGNITION, HELP, AND LOVE. AND IT SEEMS LIKE HE IS HELPING ME UP JUST A LITTLE BIT THEN DROPPING ME AGAIN.. WHETHER IT IS BECAUSE HE IS WEAK OR TAUNTING ME I DONT KNOW.. I STILL DONT UNDERSTAND WHERE ARJAY COMES FROM SAYING HE WASN'T A GOOD KISSER... I MEAN.. THE WAY SHE MAKES IT SOUND... I'D THINK I'D KNOW. IF SOMEONE IS A BAD KISSER... WOULD THE VERY TOUCH OF THIER LIPS MAKE YOU WARM AND MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE HTE REST OF HTE WORLD IS GONE AND IT IS ONLY YOUR HEART BELTING OUT WHAT IT FEELS... LIKE YOU TWO ARE THE ONLY ONES THAT MATTER AT ALL? IF SOMEONE IS A BAD KISSER THE WAY SHE EXPLAINS IT... WOULD YOU WANT THEM SO MUCH. IT IS INSANE... WAHT I LOVE ABOUT HIM. HIS VOICE... HIS WORDS(SOMETIMES)... HIS HANDS... HIS EYES... HIS LIPS... HIS ARMS... HIS HUGS... THE WAY HE CAN MAKE ME SMILE LIKE I AM NOW EVEN WITH TEARS WELLED UP BEHIND MY EYES... THE WAY HIS FORKS DON'T BOTHER ME... IT SCARES ME SOMETIMES... SOMETIMES I THINK TO MYSELF... WHAT IF HE REALLY IS THE ONE AND I'VE BEEN FORTUNATE ENOUGH TO FIND HIM SO QUICKLY? BUT WHAT IF WE ARE BOTH SO SCARED OF WHAT MIGHT HAPPEN... THERE ARE OTHER PEOPEL WE COULD/CAN/DO LOVE. WHAT IF WE ARE MEANT TO BE BUT WE NEVER ACTUALLY ARE? THAT WOULD KILL ME. I SWEAR IT WOULD. IT IS KILLING ME RIGHT NOW THINKING OF THAT VERY POSSIBILITY. BUT THEN... WHAT IF ARJAY IS WHO HE IS SUPPOSED TO BE WITH... EVEN THOUGH FOR THEM IT'S ONLY REALLY BEEN PHYSICAL.. NOT HTE MENTAL CONNECTION HE AND I SHARE? WHAT IF THE THREE OF US COMPLETELY FUCK UP EACHOTHER'S LIVES BECAUSE OF THIS YEAR? WAHT LIFE WOULD BE LEFT TO LIVE? WHAT PURPOSE WOULD THERE BE LEFT TO FILL IF WE ALL HATED EACHOTHER... ALTHOUGH THAT EVEN WITH ALL HE'S SAID AND DONE... AND I CAN STILL WANT HIM LIKE THIS... I'M NOT SURE IT'S A POSSIBLITY FOR ME TO HATE HIM. AND THAT'S WHAT IS MOST FRIGHTENING SOMEITMES. I DON'T HTINK HE'S EVER HATED ME THOUGH EITHER... I KNOW ARJAY HAS HATED HIM... OR DOES... BUT HE IS SO IMPERFECT THAT IN REALITY HE IS... HOW SAD IS IT TO BE SOMEONE WITH YOUR WHOLE LIFE IN FRONT OF YOU... SO MANY YEARS... AND TO ONLY WANT THERE TO BE A MOMENT IN YOUR NEAR FUTURE OF HAPPINESS... TO BELIEVE IN SOMETHING SO MUCH THAT EVEN WHEN IT IS HARMFUL TO YOU YOU CARE ABOUT SOMEONE... THAT SAME PERSON THAT KILLS YOU OFF JUST A LITTLE BIT NEARLY EVERY DAY. THAT BREAKS YOUR HEART SO OFTEN JUST BY NOT TALKING TO YOU DURING DANCE CLASS? HOW SAD IS IT THAT I AM ACTUALLY WRITING THIS ALL DOWN... AND SUBJECTING PEOPLE THAT HARDLY KNOW ME TO ERAD MY PROBLEMS AND PROBABLY LAUGH AT ME. I NEED TO STOP NOW... OR I WILL GO ON AND ON UNTIL MY MOTHER HAS TO PHYSICALLLY PRY ME AWAY FROM THIS DESK. BUT JUST FOR FUTURE REFERENCE... I LOVE HIM... FOR STUPID DEMENTED REASONS... I NEVER WANT HIM TO FEEL FOR MY FRIEND AGAIN/VICE VERSA... AND I WANT TO CRY IN HIS ARMS. I WANT TO HAVE HIM LOOK AT ME AND GO "YOU KNOW YOU CAN MAKE A GUY CRY AT NIGHT?" AGAIN. I WANT TO BE TOLD I AM LOVED AND BEAUTIFUL LIKE I WAS... WHETHER IT WAS A LIE OR NOT... IT SAVED ME. FOR THAT TIME... HE WAS MY SUPPORT... MY SKELETON... AND WHEN IT WAS RUINED... I CAME CRASHING DOWN INTO A WORSE PLACE THAN I EVER HAD BEEN... I MELTED AWAY... AND HE'S GOT PART OF ME STUCK TO HIM... FOREVER... NO MATTER WHAT... SOME PART OF ME WILL ALWAYS FEEL FOR HIM... I'M ALMOST SURE OF IT... AND... STILL... IW ISH THERE WAS A WAY IN ME TO TELL THEM BOTH EVERYTHING I'VE JUST WRITTEN.

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