It’s a quarter after 8 in the morning and I have just woken up from one of the best dreams I’ve had for a while... one of the worst. Sometimes I hate my dreams just because of the sheer fact that they are good dreams. As just about any dream I’ve had... lately, jordan was a part of it. I don’t even really recall what happened or anything to make it right, even though sometimes I don’t pay attention because nothing is worth remembering ( I know that sounds stupid, but sometimes I even know when I am dreaming and I will change my dreams) but from where I remember, all of the sudden, as I knew him, me, ArJay and someone else were there- jordan took my hand and we went of somewhere that looked like Gram’s and we just stopped or something and I look up into his face, and I swear- there was nothing that could have made anyone think it was only a dream. His face was perfect, all of him was. Perfect as inexactly how he really is and looks. Down to his black and white checkered shirt. I wrapped my arms around his waist and rested my head on his shoulder-he even smelled right...that smell that I wish would stay on me everyday during dance that I sometimes even catch- he took my hands in his and kept changing the way he held them. At first it was just his thumbs in my palms with his fingers on the outside, then he twisted both of hour hands and interlocked our fingers, and the other way I don’t even really know how to describe. But we just walked like that, and I think where we ended up was the place on 40th with the Mexican food court and Salvation Army store. I remember a pothole... but, in many dreams I’ve had, there is only detail in actions, not in the little tiny details that really matter, like the texture of his shirt in those teeny tiny pleats, the softness of his hair when it’s not all gelled down, his freckles that I scarcely even remember in my conscious mind, and the warmth of him. From his hands, on mine, just a warmth that has always radiated off of him to me... that you wouldn’t think would be represented by anything in a dream. That is just something that your brain hardly even notes anymore because you’re not really close enough anymore to feel it, but when it comes to you so obviously in a quick flash you remember it and it doesn’t even make you know you’re dreaming, and now when I’m writing this, I’m cold and I wish I could go back to sleep and hold him again- or go actually find him, but I wouldn’t do that. But I am making myself wait six more days, till the carnival, to let my feelings out again, because there would be much less time to get funny looks and have mean things said... even though I begin to feel less like that will really happen. Even though I feel like there’s still something between them, I have been treated so well by him and shown that I actually matter (my permission you have not. I’ve changed my mind about the email. May I ask why? It hurt ArJay... It might hurt you.) At least somewhat to him, which does give me some confidence. But then there’s what they’ve done, and what confuses me about it, and that she has lied again and hidden things. And I know this is horrible, but I don’t want them to like each other. I cannot picture them together anymore. If she thought we had little in common, if they’re not fighting, they’ve got hardly anything to talk about at all. It would be all physical, and she tells me she doesn’t like to kiss him because he’s sloppy, so with physical, and well... what I’ve been told and seen and stuff... the physical of what they’d do is something... something so much more than... I don’t know. It stresses me out really bad. With the one thing... and that... I’m not even sure about it, but I hope it didn’t happen. And this is really self absorbed- but yes, the physical part of our relationship was great. I’d kill for hugs and kisses like those again. But we had a really intense emotional/mental connection too. Our hands and lips may have seemed to fit together perfectly, but our minds were like linked somehow... and I feel like they still are. Of course, it is always hard to give someone up when you’ve done things like they may have/have, and things like we did. The things we talked about... it is always hard to give someone up that you love. But it shows by the fact that she can totally crush on someone else that he didn’t mean quite as much to her as he did to me. Even though we’ve both cut and stuff after problems with him, I think I was more justified. I was scared and very hurt, and the way she makes it sound, she was only hurt. I don’t think she’d be really sad if he were gone. I know I would. I’d drive myself crazy with I miss yous. Its horrible that I don’t want them together, that I want him so much. But if things could be like they were so long ago, even like just last year, so perfect... in friendship and more, and if it is only the physical things they do........ I don’t know. It bothers me really bad that I can’t let it go. It bothers me that I want her to forget him. But... things have gotten too deep for both of us. I still sometimes feel our connection... like yesterday on the phone. There was a smile in his voice. And yeah... I still see theirs too, but only when she “harasses” him and touches him. I sense nothing else with them... and it is truly evil of me. I am so warped. I see so much still there... and I wish I could know what is really really there. On either side of his mind for either of us. I love him. My state of mind hasn’t changed much since November... and I know it’s not good. But still... I mean... she tells me she doesn’t even know what she feels anymore. I know. Inside of me, I know what I feel for him is real. I want to know if either of us were meant to be. But it is impossible. At least it seems that way. But he still is so sweet to me any more, he talks to me, he smiles and shows off. He looks at me and doesn’t turn away when I catch his eyes. He has such beautiful eyes.... but we’ve all messed up. The lie we’ve created needs to be stopped, and it would be really very nice if it could be revealed, but neither of us want to be hated. But my dream... it was exactly what I needed and exactly what I shouldn’t have gotten. It makes me smile and very happy but at the same time it overloads my mind a bit and makes me wonder if these feelings are worth anything. I have to stop doing things and swear that I will never do them again, despite how hard it may be, if it means I can have him back and be happy, I would do just about anything at this point. Like she says- he might not have lied to me... probably didn’t, because when he said what he said on spring break they were doing stuff. And she says he really did tell on me even though I never talked to them or got called on it. I guess he knew most of it was because of him or something like that, and what is really sad is that all but one of the cuts was for him. Every nightmare I’ve had for the last six months has somehow involved him. How much he means is insane, but just the same, I feel that way and I had a really good dream, and I think I may be okay today- until thoughts of what they could be off doing if she really is ungrounded- I’ll cover up my cuts and scars and I can really smile today. Six days, and my life will probably be easier in a few ways, at least I think... I hope. Maybe I can go to sleep tonight and dream good things. Maybe I can talk to him today. Maybe I can feel like an actual person.