Right now I am very hurt and EXTREMELY angry... at least I think so. Pretty sure. Well I spent the whole fucking day on the computer talking to ArJay and Tasha, with Ar just mainly waiting for her mom to call and tell her if she could go to the carnival at St. Pats w/ us. Well her mom never called so we left, and I admit I was a little miffed that she couldn’t come... but... we got there and I played some games and ate chicken, then I got some texts from ArJay. I’ve deleted the rest... the things about Jordan giving her shit on Runescape. And she just sort of started talking about him (what happened to eating shit?) And I said to her, "I’m trying really hard to hate him, but when you talk about him like this, it makes it nearly impossible. Mainly because it makes me THINK about him." and then... I don’t have what I said, but this pisses me off because I countered her with different fucking reasons each time she said it... and she still said the SAME fucking thing. But here’s what I do have: "/"’s separate the messages. Oh. Im sry/ im sry I wont talk about him nemore/why/o.k/well I’m just not gonna talk about him then u won’t kno and won’t b bothered./ ok. Im sry but it bugs u when I tell u and when I don’t tell u it doesn’t coz u don’t kno/ well when you don’t kno it don’t bug u coz u don’t kno if he talked to me/ so it cant bug u/ well! It doesn’t bug u when I don’t talk to him/ o. well I g2g. Degrassi... So I went through the rest of the carnival sort of pissed. And really bored and dmsy. (During Menstrual Syndrome) I got a drink, and played some of the fucky stupid games. Then when Liz finally got off of her three fucking hour volunteer shift, she ate, we wandered, then went to the dunking booth. Before she got off, I was complaining to mom and she went off on me about how this was my mood always if I wasn’t doing what I wanted to fucking do. Bite me bitch. So I finally met this Steven fellow that she’s been talking about a bit lately. Apparently she dumped Charles after listening to all her fuckwad friends. Eh... more than I can say about any guy in the last... well... the last fucking year actually. But for a while, I was the only person that could legitimately dunk the people in the booth. All the little kids kept pushing the button, and even Tim couldn’t do it, and he plays baseball. But I couldn’t sit on it, so I just stood at the edge and got wet when people fell in. It was nice in a way. When Liz was up, I’d throw balls. Then I got bored and went back to the script booth where all the "old" people were... and sat in Ahma’s chair and attempted to sleep a little, then mom sent me up to the Karaoke people and I looked through the book because she wanted me to sing for her. What fucking psychotic thoughts could have been coursing through her brain at that moment, I do NOT know. But then she wanted me to wander with her to get rid of the money we had left. It wasn’t really money. It was bright orange and yellow slips of paper with dollar values filled in for punching and scribbling out. I did the gay little milk jug toss again and got a hot pink bear in a bag. Got rid of the rest of the money and sat with Liz for a while. Julian won a cake on the cakewalk. It was really good chocolate mint. Mom was surprised at how my mood improved. As things were just pretty much closing up... the far off radio DJ guy was playing Boot-Scootin’ Boogie so Liz and I were told to do the dance for them, and actually obliged. Even remembering that dance and thinking about it, my thoughts, miraculously NEVER came to rest on Jordan. We got assigned to take Joan and Julian home, which isn’t really bad because they’re right on the way. Joan likes my music. I need to remember to burn her Marilyn Manson. She wanted his version of "Personal Jesus" when we were on the way to the park last week, she asked me if I was going Goth as I shouted names of CDs that I wanted to listen to. No, dearest Joanie, I’m not going Goth. I’m just... changing how I do things and what I like. No big really? No big rip...? Oh yeah! Joanie got a "Baby Kamaroo" from my mom. It is just Roo, but oh well. She liked Pookie and Lumpy too. Well... mom loves the mix cd I made her. She oddly loves the mixes I make for her on random music medium. Which is good. Because what I make for her, I like too. So I don’t really have to worry about hearing songs I hate. Just songs I might be excruciatingly sick of. The Spice Girls song "Mama" makes her cry. Oh well. Crying is good. Something I should probably look into. Well I got home and went in my room to watch TV, and I figured that since it was 10:30, Degrassi would be on. Well, nope, Degrassi WAS not on. The new episode isn’t until next Friday. So I’m mad because ArJay fucking lied to me. After I just said "I think I should probably shut up now" she could have gone "yeah I think you should" and I would have, but NO!!!! she lied to me and told me she had to watch Degrassi. And I checked further in the Dish schedule. There are always replays on Saturdays and Sundays. Well the only reruns are on Sunday, and it’s the one from last week and two weeks ago. Well, apparently, me wanting her to shut the fuck up about Jordan has caused a spat... or whatever. If she doesn’t want to talk to me, no problem, I won’t FUCKING talk to her. I have not gotten angry at her for a long time, but in a way, it feels like a bit of a release. Now that I have a reason in a way, I can let more of it out I guess. Next Friday it will have been 3 months since she last cut. Well I don’t think I’ll be making it to my 3 month "anniversary" on the 19th. Life fucking sucks right now. I find it absolutely lovely when this happens. Well... currently, I am seriously thinking about cancelling my "party" due to this. I know I’m playing no part in it anymore, somewhat gladly, but I still want to keep the two of them apart.... and I don’t even know if Robyn’s rents are going to let her off the hook even to come to my house for ONE night. And truly, what’s the point of a "party" with one person, when it would be your goddamned cousin??? I’m almost sure this thing will be cleared up by then, but for now, I am entranced in a rage I have not been victim of for a very long time. I know that the rage will subside, but I don’t know about ArJay and her soapbox shit really... I don’t even know if she is mad. But I am nearly completely sure that she lied to me so I’d shut up. After I offered to shut up even. I just feel... "Marchy" in a way. I want sleep and silence and blood and chocolate and tears and love. All I will probably get is tears, and sleep. Forget everything else.