i want to kill the fucking cats. i really do. sometimes i'm amazed my mom doesnt ask me if i've been cutting again wiht all the little scars and scratches tehy leave on me. i was thinking this morning... how coming from my own mouth my own name sounds foreign to me. sarah. even typed it seems weird. liek that's not what my name really is or should be. i dont know. i feel really confused today. ive been up since 5, so that might have somethign to do with it. maybe i'll put in my 7 pages in my real journal today. i dont know. dont feel like getting it now... i'm too lazy to do much today. just sit here and lose wieght in my fingers. i really have though. i want to know why it matters to arjay when jordan gets back. oh well. i can't dwell on shit like that. well, i can. i SHOULD not. it just gets on my nerves. like something gets on them in the first place and that's why i get annoyed, but then i get annoyed at myself for being annoyed at the other thing. it really sucks. if i werent so tired i might go swimming. except that if/when i do i'll get back and have to take a shower and everything, and dad is coming tonight so i dont want to have wet scraggly hair if we go somewhere. oh my god i just sounded so typical. i hate being/sounding superficial. it sucks bad you know? i guess it doesnt matter though anyway since i always look minorly crappy in some way... anyway to avoid further retardedness... i thinki'm going to stop. i have severe poetry writers block. the only thing i can write are self pitying journal entries. even if they might sound interesting. they suck. oh well.