today has been... okay... i guess. well... school was fairly ok. i was late. we did like... nothing in most of classes: learned final step to waltz(i get so dizzy) practiced for monologues one more day sang the stupid songs watched the stupid movie talked about mans slavery for machines finished video about the mutts cut the maps and overheard conversations. mom talked to callahan about the district choral festival and she said that webb cannot do that and that i will be ok. arjay was going to tell jordan that she was pregnant. hm... supposedly they got in a fight over something. and she was mad "i cant like him because he pisses me off" she finally admitted that they are friends with benefits. getting somewhat there. i sent her an email awhile ago. i asked alot of questions. she said if i had them i could ask. i had them. i asked. went to the store. got lots of good food and i got film and J14. there arent any very good pictures. :( dammit. TO DIE FOR STRAWBERRIES AND ANGEL FOODCAKE!!!! I LOVE WHEN HARMONS DOES SAMPLES. came home... ate a little pizza. I got a text from Robyn! she thinks i textype too fast. so she called. i have her adress now. we are going to try to hang out sometime soon. WE CAN GO SEE A MOVIE BCUZ I HAVE THE PASSES THAT NEED TO BE USED! its a little wierd to get excited about seeing someone who is not a guy i like, but this is my best friend who i have not talked to for almost a year! i think i've got a bit of a right...? Ben & Jerry's brownie batter ice cream was on sale for $2 so i got some! yay for me! CHOCOLATE THERAPY! well sort of... i need more than chocolate to cure me.... but it is a good base point. the pope is dying. mom is catholic, so she is really sad. especially since he is dying kind of the same way gram did. she is watching 360 and sleepingin her chair. it is really kind of sad. she is having a hard week. w/ terry schaivo, the pope(remembering gram)and all the evil fucking psychos in the world killing children and all the fucking psychos killing other people. if only i would talk to her about mine... oh god... such a sad phone call to my cousin- "hi sweety i just wanted to call and talk to you and see if your mom was there where i could talk to her and let her know she is in my thoughts and prayers today as well as alot of other people." my mommy makes me want to cry. alot of things make me want to cry. it is getting harder to cry tho. i can't cry and i keep wanting to do other things because i cant fucking cry!!!!!!!! well i cried just fine last week when jordan told me i was basically a meaningless piece of shit. it really hurts when someone you loved so much tells you you're meaningless...i dont want to cry where mom is around... i really dont want to tell her about what is going on. she wouldnt understand. at least i havent cut... so that is good... i guess. i want to see my blood. sometimes it comforts me. the sting of the cut and the sight of the blood. when i first cut-the big one with the whole face of teh clippers-it bled enough i could write words. it was when i was still going out w/ jordan. i wrote his name. he doesnt seem to understand how much he meant to me... god. i hate myself. my mom just called joanie. she is crying. i hate being around people who are crying. it makes me want to cry too. and i really dont think i could controllably cry at this point in time. i dont know... later probably... sometimes i cry myself to sleep. and i sleep all quiet and often have no dreams. right now though i feel like an empty shell with jsut a brain and fingers that are typing out the oh so boring saga of my recent life. oh my fucking god. i need to find better, happier things to do with my life. or die. id prefer to be happy, jsut to be again for once. i need someone to love. maybe i will put this aching loving part of me towards the kittens. but i dont erally want to get attached to them either. there are other people to like. there are other people that need to be liked also. god fucking dammit my mother is bieng all bitchy now. well i'm getting off. nothign to say anyways. nothign that anyone wants to hear.