ok. it is really really weird... after the entry i wrote yesterday, he got back online for a little bit and talked to me, and was REALLY nice and stuff. so.. even tho he told arjay said he told her that he doesn't like me because i make him nervous when she is around, i'm not so sure that he COMPLETELY doesn't like me. because okay. he got back on, then left again, then arjay comes back telling me he's blocked her, then she left then zeros got back on but i think it was his dad. but i said something and he goes "Jordan is at the school bye bye" so then mom made me get off so i could eat something before WE went to the school for the carnival. for a few minutes i saw nothing of him, but then i saw mitch, and spotted jordan and paul walking up to go buy tickets. it was funny... he cornered the market on purple japanese samurai swords. HE GOT FOUR!!! then mom won an inflatable hammer(lmao because of the hammer he got at lagoon on tuesday) and gave it to him. and then she said to him "i hope youre planning to go change your clothes before you go to promotion" then he half-smiled and said "um...i'm not going" then mom was 'smad' at him for not going. but it was fun. i took him his rubber ducky and he was happy. paul was sad that i gave it to jordan and not him. jordan asked first, and well... i DO like jordan. we sort of hung "around" eachother for a while. like, i kept finding him/vice versa. omg he makes me laugh... so then we had ot leave(cry) and i came home and got ready for promotion. my bootyful teal blue shirt/skirt... it is retarded, but i thought i looked okay. the actual promotion ceremony was sort of short. people were crying. i thought it was a little lame, no offense to anyone. i didnt really have anyone to cry over. arjay, nes and me went to the dance for a little while, all the while calling jordan every few minutes trying to get him and paul to come. oh daddy gave me a card good for $50. yay. MUSIC!! so then we went outside by the cafeteria and called paul and were trying to get paul to come. then i called mom to come get us. nes used the phone to call her mommy but didnt come w/ us. we got to pauls house, but he was "in the bath" so he didnt come. then we went and got jordan. arjay and i were knocking on the gate and windows trying to get it open, then kelly(his dad) came out and jumped on the gate ad yelled roar at us then made jordan come out. i was a little surprised that it didnt take much at all to make him come. he was like- who's our driver and arjay said "sarahs mom" and he sort of laughed "she wanted to hurt me." i chuckled and said to him "wanted. you're fine" so jordan came w/ us. sat in the back seat with me we got to the school as the dance was almost over, so we wandered around the feild for a little bit and arjay made jordan give her a piggy back ride. then arjay goes "jordan can i have a picture of you and sarah kissing?" "come on, kiss her... possibly one... last... time" "if you do it you'll get monetary compensation" but with everything she said, he neverdid unfortunately but as arjaywas following him she goes to me "i'm trying to help you" then we went outside and they were saying goodbye to everyone and arjay cried over one person-ty-and as jordan was wandering sort of away from us, she asked me are you mad? no not really. sad mad? i guess. i do want him to... but he wont oh if he only knew then she gave him a hug, and instructed him to do the same to me and as we're leaning in she goes 'do it now sarah' and i of course did it because i am gutless in a way. i could have held him so tight. but his hug was looser and, well... i dunno... i wanted more. arjay asked him why he was walking around talking ot everyone and he said "i want to cry" and then arjay was talking to me again and she goes i wonder why he wants to cry(mythought- it is sweet and sexy when guys cry)and i said maybe he's got something to prove and then another time when he was far a way from us a rather strange thought occured to me and i told her"last week when i told him i like him... i said 'i know you say you can't feel so it's pointless, but i do'" and arjay goes "i dont know. and even though he DIDNT kiss you, every time i told him to he blushed" and i think i beleive her. so we all said the goodbyes we wanted to and went back to mom's car. jordan in back w/ me again, even though arjay wanted to put him in the front with my mom. when we were close to bangerter, he sighed and said "all that attempt and i get one single solitary tear" and he was half turned to me, and i could actually SEE his tear, and then he wiped it away and smiled. i would have loved to have been the one to wipe his tear. oh, i had to lean over him when we got there to show him how to open the evil door. arjay called her mom telling her she was coming home, and MY mom goes "well actually, how do you feel about hanging out at my house for a little while?" but arjays mom/dad wouldnt let her. i didnt even really think to ask jordan if he wanted to come over or just go home. so we dropped arjay off, then went back to drop jordan. at one point before arjay was gone he said " idont hink tasha should ever come in my house again becasue of what happened today i felt SOOOOOOOOO bad about that really" adn we were all sort of quiet because we knew exactly waht had happened. mom too. and i told jordan earlier before the carnival. Okay- and this was add-in on my REAL journal- but i don't want to really think much more when i have basically what i want to say already planned... I have smiled so much today. Despite that jordan told arjay he doesnt like me because i make him nervous, i don't konw if he meant it. because he was really ncie at hte carnival and pretty nice the other two times. i mean, sure , he didnt kiss me, but arjay said he blushed EVERY time she told him to... iwanted a better hug. i really was half tempted to kiss him myself. our hands were next to eathcohters in the back seat. last time that happened was when we went to see the grudge.... i so badly wanted him to take mine, do something... this might sound sick, but its not supposed to... i felt this comforting warmth from him.. and the way he smells... i was overjoyed that she dropped arjay off first. i think she did it on purpose though. i mean, something about jordan comforts/calms me. mainly when arjay isnt around... it would have been awesome if they could've come over for a while... sit in my room or outside and chat. better for me if it were JUST jordan... but... i cannot wait until i talk to him/see him on aim in a awy. it is so sad to me in a joyful way. i really can't clearly remembered two consecutive days where i have smiled/laughed more than today and yesterday. it has been really good. it only makes me want thim/want to talk to him more... i wanted SO BAD to kiss him, but i'm not that bold. mom was sort of disappointed that arjay's dad said no to her. He feels... I know he does now because of trying to say goodbye and "draw tears". i know i felt something when i saw that one tear. his eyes glazed and somewhat looking at me...sarah, you know? you could make a guy cry at night...when i saw him wipe it away... and he smiled at me and made jokes. so maybe it's weird when we're BOTH with him.. but i want to know... what about when it is just me and him or me, him, and other people? he does treat me differently when she is around... but... he is so sweet t me otherwise. yesterday at lagoon, usually in dance class. one smile makes me feel better, today at the carnival, sort of at the dance, and in the car. there are so many things i want to say to him, but waht comes right to my mind of waht i ant to say to him is "you make me laugh. more than probably anything else, that is one of the biggest reasons i like you. No singular person has ever made me smile so much, and smile when i was down... Even when i sohould have hated you, there was something there that made me not. with EVERYTHING in the past few years of my life, you, just by yourself, made me forget about them with a smile, a hug, a... a kiss. you made me feel right.. you MAKE me feel right still sometimes. you make me smile enough that it hurts to NOT smile. I know I really messed up before, in the past... but all i ask of you is to THINK about it... about me... about......us? Understand what you've meant to me." yeah... and for the first time tonight, it didnt take a goodbye, i cried. i wonder if he'll ever be here to wipe them for ME... for the first time tonight... i cry... for you... i wish so bad for another chance. i want to talk to him. i want to see if i make him laugh. ask him waht exactly he was doing when he got out of my mom's car and stopped in front of it and made a wide-eyed face until she turned the headlights on, then smiled and ran off into his house. so many questions for him... yeah. so i think i've written more than enough today... but, well i just wanted to share it.