as much as i want to... as much as it hurts not to, it hurts more to. even though there was that sole purpose, i cannot look at it anymore. it hurts me too much. i fell rotten and horrible for looking at it too. i hate it. its not fair that i feel like this. everything seems so completely pointless... i'm not sure what i can do anymore. i really am to the point where i CANNOT control what i'm feeling. for a little bit on thursday i hated him... then i found a memory... and it all went away. why do i insist on holding onto these things? i really really wish i could just let it all go... forget it. simple as that and then life would be simple again.