it is so strange sitting here watching the trees be blown about so violently in this wind... the limbs are sort of bowing gracefully to these gusts... i can hear this really plinky noise from the rain on the roof. it's metal and all, so it sounds kind of pretty but is also really loud. sometimes in my bedroom it sounds like marbles are being dropped on hte trailer. sometimes it gets on my nerves. goddamnit. i'm mildy angry at the moment. i love the color of the sky with the random grey streaks. luckily i've seen no black or green. i don't think i could handle the freaking out of hte little one. but yeah... storms like these that we get so often are rather unnervingly calming. and iut sort of bugs me... anyhow. oh brr. the ac just turned on. now it i s cold and me tootsies is freezing. curse you coldness. mom made the mistake of making me watch part of the god-awful bachelor finale. and now my lips are bored and want things to do. i'm sitting here licking them and pursing/unpursing them... and kind of making kiss motions.. i really hate my memory. it makes me want to scream. it is too good, and when i close my eyes in a mood like i'm in now, i can still see him and feel him.. i can remember it and get cold shivers like someone's touched my waist...and i can remember how he kissed me... and my stomach sinks to my toes. and hte rain doesnt help all that much. because the day he invited me to meet his mom and we kissed for hte first time, at one he walked me back to the main street, and it was sprinkling just enough to let us feel it, and we stood there for probably about ten minutes.. . neither of us wanted to let the other one go. any time i would even kind of turn like to leave, I SWEAR he'd pull me back into his arms and kiss me again. the rain kills me. so many things do. so many things impossibly remind me of him. and i have things done for him that the proof of them will never go away... these scars on my wrist... like arjay said in second period today, it might not be his fault the cuts are on us, but he might as well held the blade. he is the reason we felt we needed to do this... he drove us to it. she scared paul too. on the way to second, she went to the drinking fountain by rounds' room, she walks over and goes "i used to come down here and cut then go back to class like nothing was wrong". it is so sad to think about. as we continued to talk about it she was like "we should write a note to him from the both of us and go 'you've caused two people to cut. how much longer until someone that loves you as much does something worse?!??!'" yet as i look down and am reminded so vividly of how much i loved him... it makes it completely impossible to forget. forget completely... well... really just forget. everything is still in my head like a dream or a song, just looping and looping until the point of insanity... the point of tears. his voice still lingers in my head. i can hear him saying "i love you" i can hear the one thing he said that nearly made me cry right there in front of him "you could make a guy cry at night, you know?" NOW HONESTLY!? WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT AND NOT MEAN IT?!??!?. it really doesn't make sense to me. i think arjay is right. i don't htink he really lied to me. i think the fact that he was sort of w/ arjay at that point had somethign to do with all of what he said.... because something to me... feels like it is undeniably there. ouch. i'm biting my lips and blinking back tears. i have to stop writing so much about him? but i mean- six months, 8 scars that are going to be with me for... probably forever... hurtful words that made me want to impose more harm to myself- and yet i can still feel some kind of attraction between us... mainly a mental thing... and yet... there is a bit of a physical thing... it is depressing me. well, good night.